christmas mourning

28 dead, including the gunman. 20 of those killed - children between the ages of 5 and 10.
it's impossible to escape the images and stories permeating the media from the sandy hook elementary school shooting. beneath all the confusion, bewilderment, anger and deep sadness, there is the overwhelming "why?" - a helpless question with a resounding silence in response.

my own heart has been aching incessantly since the news broke, and with each new piece of information, my heart breaks a bit more. imagining the fear of these children, especially those that were shot at close range....this is not the world they should know. this is not the way things ought to be.

the juxtaposition of the holiday season makes all this seem even less tolerable....in this time of celebration and excited anticipation for feasting and gifts with family and friends, this atrocity is even more jarring. how can we even think about christmas at a time such as this?

but strip away the sentimentality with which we've come to adorn this holiday. take away the tinsel and the christmas cheer, tear down the lights and put away the cookies. think instead on the historical event that launched the establishment of this holiday. ponder the incarnation, the claim that God himself, clothed in human flesh, entered this world as a baby.

recall the infanticide that accompanied the birth of Christ - the slaughter of innocents ordered by a troubled tyrant fearful of a prophecy. imagine the howls and wails that must have filled that night. recount the fleeing of mary, joseph and the babe, running for their lives in the cover of night as Jesus experienced his entrance into this world as a refugee. and then remember the life of the Son of Man himself: the scorn, rejection, betrayal, torture, and ultimately, a wrongful execution.

the heart of the incarnation is a desperate cry for help that was answered. we may not always have the answers we want when terrible things happen, but if the incarnation is indeed true, then God came down to dwell with us in the midst of our pain and suffering. He entered this world of brokenness and devastation, not to observe as a spectator, but to participate fully and to experience it himself, to the point of death. and then if the resurrection is true, He triumphed over the grave. He defeated the powers of fear and darkness and promised that someday, we will experience victory as well and all these experiences of sorrow and grief will be reversed. He made good not just possible but definite even in the face of evil.

the knowledge of this may not alleviate present pain and grief. there is still this need for mourning as we cry for the loss of innocent lives and weep for injustice. but these atrocities also point us straight to the tension of mankind's depravity and desperate desire for a better world. and if the incarnation is true, then victory is not just possible but promised. even as we labor against existing injustices and strive, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to improve the conditions of this world for all its inhabitants, there is the promise of this world to come in which justice will reign and goodness will prevail.

and so our hearts long, even as they break with grief and boil with anger. we long......


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  grieving

pretty great

today, one of my classes toured the met museum to walk through a newly opened exhibition with the curator.
that was followed by another class tour of the east fourth street cultural district in east village and sit-down discussion with fourth arts block's executive director (my internship supervisor!)

o, grad school. even when things are crazy busy, you're pretty great.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  busy busy busy but happy

blessed

my dear friend grace posted this poem on her blog - a much needed read and reminder during this present time of madness for me. i love dana gioia's work; he has such a way of bringing profound truths to life with simple words and lucid imagery.


Prayer at Winter Solstice
by Dana Gioia

Blessed is the road that keeps us homeless.
Blessed is the mountain that blocks our way.

Blessed are hunger and thirst, loneliness and all forms of desire.
Blessed is the labor that exhausts us without end.

Blessed are the night and the darkness that blinds us.
Blessed is the cold that teaches us to feel.

Blessed are the cat, the child, the cricket, and the crow.
Blessed is the hawk devouring the hare.

Blessed are the saint and the sinner who redeem each other.
Blessed are the dead calm in their perfection.

Blessed is the pain that humbles us.
Blessed is the distance that bars our joy.

Blessed is this shortest day that makes us long for light. 
Blessed is the love that in losing we discover.


cups of coffee:  1 so far

mood:  insane in the membrane
 

thankful

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
seems poetically appropriate in a way that i would lose blog posts from the last 7 months right before thanksgiving. in combing my memory to recount the events of the last half year, i have been astounded by the amount of blessings and provisions. there is so much to be truly grateful for.

since a picture is worth a thousand words, in the place of replacement posts, here is a photo gallery of just some of those things from the last 7 months for which i'm thankful. 

 

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  my cup overfloweth

BLERG

in an attempt to delete drafts of old posts, i accidentally deleted the last 7 months of blog posts.

BLERG.

another reminder that technology sometimes fails us. and how temporal this world is. and how i need more sleep.

i don't enjoy learning this lesson.


cups of coffee:  apparently not enough

mood:  *&$^#!

perspective

i am tired. my brain is fried, my body is both jittery from caffeine and completely wiped from lack of sleep. i am living, breathing and even dreaming of the overwhelming amount of work that stands between me and relative freedom this summer. two more weeks. and i am grouchy.

but then.

i remember the wonderful privilege i have to live in what is inarguably the greatest city in the world. i remember that it is a gift to have the physical, mental and financial capacities to attend graduate school. i remember the amazing group of friends i have here, all that i'm learning - both good and hard, and the ways the Lord has provided again and again, beyond abundance. i count all my blessings and then some. and i am truly, truly thankful.


cups of coffee: a bazillion

mood:  persevere, persevere.....

l'amour

meditating on some great quotes by c.s. lewis on love:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her" - C.S. Lewis 

and listen to this magnificent piece of music: "oblivion" by astor piazzolla.

sheer eargasm.

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  sunny days! 

the world offers itself to your imagination....

a lovely poem to meditate on today....

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

******

a little over 3 weeks left of the semester. the weather is gorgeous. officially registered for my fall classes. meeting next week to kick off the arduous process of thesis researching and writing.

the light of summer vacation is blinking, steadily and ever less faintly, at the end of the tunnel....

please, brain, don't check out now.....


cups of coffee:  2 + 1 green tea

mood: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 

a poem a day

april is national poetry month! celebrate by reading a poem a day with this handy dandy link:

http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/345

you can even get a mobile version for on-the-go:

http://www.poets.org/page.php/prmID/404

here's one of my personal favorites from good ol' yeats:

When You are Old
by W. B. Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.


"but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, and loved the sorrows of your changing face...." that is how i'd like to be loved....


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  busy busy 

wretches and jabberers

i had the amazing privilege to watch this film, "wretches & jabberers", in my art education in museums class today. this class is held weekly at MoMA (another great privilege), and we heard from MoMA's associate educator of community and access programs as guest lecturer. in telling us about the museum's programs for visitors with disabilities, she showed us the film to help us better understand autism and dispel any misconceptions we may hold.

i was absolutely blown away by this documentary, particularly by the two witty and incredibly thoughtful protagonists, larry and tracy, two autistic men who travel the world as advocates. the film is told through the voices of those with autism, and it's absolutely inspiring and humbling. it has definitely transformed the way i view autism and reaffirmed my belief in the dignity and creativity of every human being. everyone longs for connection and communication, and every person has been endowed with great abilities even when it's not immediately apparent.

do yourselves a huge favor - watch "wretches & jabberers" and be inspired!

cups of coffee:  3

mood:  tired but inspired

rejoice!

"Oh death, where is your victory?
Oh death, where is your sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55)

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)

rejoice, rejoice! rejoice, o my soul, for the LORD God has granted you unending favor in His Son. rejoice for you are no longer under fear or condemnation but have been set free. rejoice for given to you is all hope and power, and set before you is all glory and grace. rejoice for your cup overflows continually, and upon you shines the fullness of a love supreme.

 hot cross buns served at my church's wonderful easter service this morning

**********

a few images from a wonderful excursion to boston last weekend: crashing my brother's field trip with some of his high school students. thanks for letting me tag along, pete!

 my favorite brother :)

 the crew

 papa duck and his little ducklings

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  hooray!

be still

another great devotional, perfect on this day between good friday and easter, between utter despair and mind-blowing hope.

from streams in the desert:

“Their strength is to sit still.” (Isa. 30:7) KJV.
In order really to know God, inward stillness is absolutely necessary. I remember when I first learned this. A time of great emergency had risen in my life, when every part of my being seemed to throb with anxiety, and when the necessity for immediate and vigorous action seemed overpowering; and yet circumstances were such that I could do nothing, and the person who could, would not stir.
For a little while it seemed as if I must fly to pieces with the inward turmoil, when suddenly the still small voice whispered in the depths of my soul, “Be still, and know that I am God.” The word was with power, and I hearkened. I composed my body to perfect stillness, and I constrained my troubled spirit into quietness, and looked up and waited; and then I did “know” that it was God, God even in the very emergency and in my helplessness to meet it; and I rested in Him. It was an experience that I would not have missed for worlds; and I may add also, that out of this stillness seemed to arise a power to deal with the emergency, that very soon brought it to a successful issue. I learned then effectually that my “strength was to sit still.” –Hannah Whitall Smith
There is a perfect passivity which is not indolence. It is a living stillness born of trust. Quiet tension is not trust. It is simply compressed anxiety.
Not in the tumult of the rending storm,
Not in the earthquake or devouring flame;
But in the hush that could all fear transform,
The still, small whisper to the prophet came.
0 Soul, keep silence on the mount of God,
Though cares and needs throb around thee like a sea;
From supplications and desires unshod,
Be still, and hear what God shall say to thee.
All fellowship hath interludes of rest,
New strength maturing in each poise of power;
The sweetest Alleluias of the blest
Are silent, for the space of half an hour.
0 rest, in utter quietude of soul,
Abandon words, leave prayer and praise awhile;
Let thy whole being, hushed in His control,
Learn the full meaning of His voice and smile.
Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,
Not taking Heaven by violence of will;
But with thy Father as a child sit down,
And know the bliss that follows His “Be Still!”
–Mary Rowles Jarvis

for in stillness there is strength, in rest there is restoration....


cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood:  o happy day!

weekend fun

brunch with dear friends
the whitney biennale (meh.)
keith haring at the brooklyn museum (wow!)

my cup is full and overflowin'.

cups of coffee:  3

mood:  waiting

timing

my devotional today, from streams in the desert:


“And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush, saying, I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt” (Acts 7:30, 32, 34).
That was a long wait in preparation for a great mission. When God delays, He is not inactive. He is getting ready His instruments, He is ripening our powers; and at the appointed moment we shall arise equal to our task. Even Jesus of Nazareth was thirty years in privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work. –Dr. Jowett
God is never in a hurry but spends years with those He expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.
The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long, monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God, is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair. Joseph’s was a long trial, and God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver,” but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal. We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, “All things have worked together for good.” Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a “need-be” for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal. God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessings; and if we have the qualities that fit us for a throne, nothing can keep us from it when God’s time has come. Don’t steal tomorrow out of God’s hands. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait.
–Selected
“He never comes too late; He knoweth what is best;
Vex not thyself in vain; until He cometh–REST.”
Do not run impetuously before the Lord; learn to wait His time: the minute-hand as well as the hour-hand must point the exact moment for action.


hmmmm. timing is everything.


cups of coffee: 3(!)

mood:  quiet, quiet

lenten poem

lovely and true words to start the day, via mockingbird:

A gracious Sabbath stood here while they stood
Who gave our rest a haven.
Now fallen, they are given
To labor and distress.
These times we know much evil, little good
To steady us in faith
And comfort when our losses press
Hard on us, and we choose,
In panic or despair or both,
To keep what we will lose.

For we are fallen like the trees, our peace
Broken, and so we must
Love where we cannot trust,
Trust where we cannot know,
And must await the wayward-coming grace
That joins living and dead,
Taking us where we would not go–
Into the boundless dark.
When what was made has been unmade
The Maker comes to His work.

- Sabbaths, II
Wendell Berry


cups of coffee:  1, so far

mood:  spring-ing!

rounding the bend

this year for lent, i decided to give up alcohol, dating and chocolate. now that we're rounding the bend into the second half of lent, the cravings and itch i once felt have settled (more or less) into a compliant new mode of operating. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss all three things, but it also holds true that i feel great without them.

lent is one of my favorite seasons: i love inflicting a certain sense of self-deprivation, testing my will, meditating on the suffering Christ endured on mankind's behalf, and rejoicing in the wholeness and satisfaction i can experience in Christ. it's a relief to name and abstain from certain default coping mechanisms and crutches. it's freeing to break cold turkey from old patterns and seek to replace them with new patterns.

a couple of years ago i discovered this great online lent devotional website, and i've been using it ever since. today's reflection talks about new life and God's renewal of all things. what a wonderful reminder as we pass the halfway mark of lent: the woe and darkness felt at the beginning of this season is moving into hope and gladness. the light is near, joy is tangible and all things new are rearing their heads.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

(Psalm 30:11-12)


cups of coffee:  working on 1 right now

mood:  hopeful

breather

the busyness of school and work has sadly relegated my blogging to a monthly activity. it's certainly not from a lack of material here - life seems to be bursting at the seams and i'm thankful for every minute.

this past week was spring break, and though i worked every day and hardly had time to myself, it did kick off quite nicely. a friend invited me to join him and his friends for a getaway to the catskills last weekend, and it was exactly what my body and spirit needed. we loaded up the car around 4 in the afternoon on friday, but thanks to manhattan traffic, got off to a slow start. we then deliberated quite a bit on a dinner spot, finally agreeing on chili's (which i hadn't been to in ages), where we proceeded to take our time eating and engaging in conversations so funny, i almost lizzed. stopping to buy groceries for the weekend on the way, we ended up in some kind of strange twilight zone supermarket where the employees were all too friendly (one in particular was strangely knowledgeable and enthusiastic about tomatoes), and a sweet old lady in a purple knitted hat and i got into a lively discussion about club soda in the beverage aisle.

we finally reached our destination, a quaint cottage set back in the woods that my friend found on this site called homeaway. it was 10:30 pm by the time we arrived, much colder than when we set off in the afternoon, and we were eager to unpack and settle by a warm fireplace. we found the key, left graciously for us under the mat near the back door (this was a very safe neighborhood) - but we discovered to our dismay that the lock to the door was broken. the key slipped in quite easily but turned a full 360 without a click or any other sound. still calm, we tried the front door, the side door, the door to the screened porch.....without success. at this point, i was needing to go to the bathroom and regretting all those glasses of iced water consumed at chili's. we called the owner, who resided in long island city, and left a message on her voicemail. we started rattling the windows, hoping to find an unlocked window. while we were at the verge of contemplating actually breaking a window - and my friend brett at this point had already started jiggling door locks with a hairpin - i found a window that was unlocked. hoisting it open, i scrambled on top of a patio chair and clambered through the window without a second thought. i had never been so grateful to jump through a window.

the rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful after our break-in, filled mostly with cooking, eating, and chatting around the fireplace. we did find this set of giant arrows and paper targets in the garage that we fondly called "lawn arrows", and we ended up spending most of our saturday afternoon in a rousing "lawn arrows" match.

 the fierce lawn arrows league

the cottage was lovely, filled with charming corners and peaceful views. my favorite was the screened porch, and i spent some time reading outside each morning with a nice cup of coffee.

saturday dinner was the highlight as far as meals went - though each meal was fantastic. all four of us love to eat and love to prepare food - and i was pleasantly surprised at the guys' skills. brett really wanted to grill steaks, and he ended up concocting this wonderful creation of marinated steaks wrapped with jalapeno peppers and bacon. i'm not even a huge steak lover, but...oh MY....

 the chef at work

 ready for the grill

 the dinner table

the kitchen was unusually well-equipped, possessing even a standing mixer. and there was an impressive collection of books, including a wide array of cookbooks that decorated a shelf along the dining room cupboards. all this made more sense when brett discovered boxes of julie & julia in all different languages in the basement - we had unknowingly rented the cottage from julie powell herself! what a pleasant surprise.

the weekend was a much needed breather, just to get out of the city. i felt every muscle relax in a way that hadn't happened in awhile, and to just breathe the crisp air and fill my eyes with the greenery....bliss. sunday morning, i even saw a cardinal perched in a bush, studying me as i studied him. and a fat squirrel scampering along the fence inspired me to write a poem about that squirrel contemplating his own mortality.

as much as we wanted to stay, the sirens of real life called and we were sad to leave. but oh, what a nice respite....

cups of coffee:  2 + 1 green tea

mood: *sigh*

all sorts of joy

my brother just turned 30....and he and his wife have officially announced they are expecting! our family is giving thanks with all sorts of joy.

my sis-in-law planned a surprise party for peter, and my parents scanned and emailed a bunch of our childhood pictures for the party. amazing to think we were once this little.....

sibling relationships are funny things. no matter how old we get, i will always think of peter as this little shy boy who followed me around like an eager shadow. and he still asks me for advice from time to time, even though he's now a grown man and the head of his own household. i was and always will be fiercely protective of him, willing to fight anyone or anything for his well-being. i imagine some day, we'll be two senior citizens still cracking jokes and acting like a couple of goofballs whenever we hang out together.

i'm so thankful for my brother and for the gift of a new life that he and lisa have been blessed with. here's to giving thanks for past joys and future joys!


cups of coffee:  1

mood:  relaxing....

the mean reds

 Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

- Breakfast at Tiffany's

cups of coffee: 2 + 1 cup hot chocolate

mood: ..............

ancient paths

"Stand by the roads, and look,
and ask for the ancient paths,
where the good way is; and walk in it,
and find rest for your souls."
- Jeremiah 6:16

cups of coffee:  1 + several cups of green tea

mood:  rested

respite and reunions

there’s a popular adage in chinese that goes something like this when translated into english: “if the old doesn’t go, the new can’t come.” this saying especially resonated these past couple of weeks as 2011 eased into 2012. it wasn’t just celebrating the ringing in of a new year for me; it was also a time of deep reflection and realization that a long and significant chapter of my life had closed and i was fully in the midst of a new and exciting, though uncertain, phase of life.

my first semester of grad school finished in a flurry of paper-writing and presentations sustained by a never-ending stream of caffeine. my body and soul gave one of the biggest sighs of relief the day i turned in my last project and winter break officially kicked off. the turning of the year was accompanied by fantastic reunions all around. i flew down to north carolina during the last week of december for three glorious days with my best friends from college. the last time all four of us gathered together was seven years ago, at the wedding of one of the girls. she now has two sons – one five years old, the other just turned one. it was a blessed gift to see old friends and to slip into conversations and laughter as if we had never been separated. it was also amazing to see that though time, distance and different life experiences had shaped us, our worldviews had formed in similar ways and our dialogues were charged with the excitement and passion of shared convictions. we first met as college girls carrying a certain naïveté and expectations of what the world should be. i’m proud to say that we are now older, wiser, and though challenged by some of the things life has tossed at us, we still carry in our hearts plenty of joy and hope and not an ounce of cynicism. i’d also like to think we are more beautiful (definitely more fashionable) now in our early 30’s than we were in our 20’s! ;)

while in north carolina, i also had the opportunity to visit some dear friends who also recently moved back to the states from china. to sit in their living room, drink coffee and play with their kids felt like we were still in their living room in shanghai, as if no time and distance had passed.

i chose to spend my first new year’s in new york by getting out of new york and traveling instead to boston. i stayed with my friend hanneke and we hosted a fabulous dinner party at her apartment. it was a lovely evening of good food, wine and even a little cavorting under a disco ball. fresh from reminiscing with my college girlfriends in north carolina, being back in boston also stirred for me memories of my college days. it’s astounding to think i graduated from university over 11 years ago…

and now 2012 has set off with a gentle start. this past week, justin and lauren, with whom i worked closely in shanghai, came up to new york to see a musical on broadway and stayed overnight at my place. they had moved back to the states this past summer as well, and to catch up with them was absolute joy. we were able to process a lot of similar feelings and thoughts about leaving china and resettling back into america and embarking on new chapters.

i sense a quieter timbre in my approach to this new year. the past nine years, i jumped into the new year with much gusto, buzzing with activity and bursting with a million and one ideas for the months ahead. part of it was due to my work at the gallery and involvement with the arts community – there was always so much to do. but in this new place and in this new role as a graduate student, i find that my main focus is on school and apart from that, i haven’t found other causes or groups that i am committed to. there is also a sense of weariness, a desire and maybe even a need to experience a long respite. i left shanghai tottering on the verge of burnout, and there’s a part of me thankful not to be serving in any sort of leadership capacity currently. various leadership opportunities have been offered to me in the past couple of months, but i have politely declined, wanting to shrug off the mantle of responsibility awhile longer. it’s a strange tension: as much as i want to shy away from serving as a leader of any sort, i miss it as well. i miss being part of a project or cause that i am passionate about, i miss mobilizing people and working together with a team to make something happen. my life here, though packed, feels strangely hollow in a way. there is this great veneer of busyness but beneath it all, i am still craving for something more substantial to do.

attending school full-time and working part-time, however, leaves little room for many involvements. there is also the reality that i am still becoming acquainted with a new city and getting to know new circles of friends. it may be awhile before i connect with like-minded folks with shared vision to undertake a project together.

people here often ask me if i miss shanghai. it’s not an easy response. i don’t miss the masses, the pushing and shoving, the cultural nuances and expectations that i eventually learned but never appreciated. i don’t miss the traffic or the pollution. i don’t even miss china and everything that has to do with china. i do miss the food a lot. what i miss most is the amazing community i took for granted. i miss the expatriate friends who were adventurous enough to move to a foreign land to obey a calling or pursue a dream. i miss the creativity and tenacity shared by so many who flocked to that massive city to carve out a more meaningful life. i miss the spirit of entrepreneurship and ingenuity that pervaded shanghai. i miss the love, genuine concern, and encouragement as expressed by those in my circles of friends, chinese and non-chinese, who grew as close as family. i miss laboring with others under a shared vision to engage culture and participate in the transformation of a city.

but i guess if the old doesn’t go, the new can’t come, even if i don’t quite know what the new is yet. 

cups of coffee: 1

mood:  refreshed