inexpressible

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
- 1 Peter 1:8-9

i'm weary. please, Lord, let this be true today.


cups of coffee:  a lot

mood:  tired in so many ways

we remember

Last picture of WTC, Bob Guskind

ten years ago. planes crashed, buildings crumbled, loved ones lost, world shaken. feelings of invincibility shriveled as fear smothered us. grief spawning rage spawning hate, and back to grief again. fingers grasping for God, for each other, for something to hold on to.

today we paused to remember, mourn, honor and renew. today we publicly grieved for those whose absences are still felt deeply by family and friends. today we reflected on the past decade - how we've changed, how we haven't, the choices we've made, the world we are attempting to rebuild.

i remember that morning, sauntering into work in downtown boston, cup of dunkin' donuts coffee in hand as usual, and noticing the television monitor in the lobby was on. image of smoke billowing, video replay of a plane hurtling towards the tower. i remember shock then disbelief, then profound sadness and cold fear. i remember the evacuation of downtown offices, walking through deserted streets and feeling eerily alone. i remember sitting through a prayer service, uncertain of how to form words, what to ask for, but deeply - desperately - longing for God to confirm His presence with some miraculous, gracious, triumphant gesture.

we remember not because we want to hold onto pain. we remember because in this act of remembrance, we mourn all that is not right, all that should not be. we give grief its space. we do not suppress it, lest it boils to resentment or festers into vengeance. we are not consumed by it, lest we lose sight of hope. we acknowledge it, paying proper tribute.

and then we must persevere. we persevere in love because ultimately, love triumphs. we persevere because this world, as shattered and broken as it is, glimmers with the vision of what could and will be. we persevere holding tight to the hope that someday, all this sadness will be made untrue, that evil will be stamped out, that the dead will rise, that our weeping will turn to joy and tears of sorrow to rivers of gold. we persevere because there is a Redeemer and redemption is happening, and we participate in that ongoing work of redemption.

but today, we took time to remember and mourn. and pray for the peace of this land and for the coming of the world that ought to be.

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  pensive

all my sour-sweet days

Bitter-Sweet

Ah, my dear angry Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.

I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.

- George Herbert


cups of coffee: 2 + 2 cups of green tea

mood: all sorts of full

empathy vs. me-pathy

recent events from this past week have caused me to think more deeply on the concept of empathy, a sorely lacking trait in china's culture. i understand why it's not a pillar in chinese virtues: a modern history filled with turmoil and uprisings, revolutionary change that the older generation still remembers, emphasis on blood relations and the importance of guanxi (relationship), deep-seated self-preservation and distrust... it all culminates to create an environment not entirely conducive to developing empathy.

but i strongly believe empathy can be taught--the question is how. i don't think it's a discipline whereby you follow certain guidelines and action points and voila!--empathy attained. it requires a willingness to shift in perspective, an ability to mentally and emotionally put yourself in someone else's shoes, to sift through all the trappings of "me" to the foundation of "us"--to recognize what it means to be universally human and to realize that the circumstances and emotions in another person's life can very well happen to you.

the problem is that we're all so deeply self-centered. we are all so grossly entrenched in our own hurts, fears and insecurities that there is no room for others unless we learn to make room.

i had to confront a member of my staff this week about something she said that another member of my staff (both chinese) found offensive and hurtful. her simple statement, though in its essence true, was said at the wrong time and in the wrong fashion, thereby angering the person the statement was directed to. as i talked to her about this incident, her initial response was defensive, and understandably so. she immediately argued that she was right, that what she had stated to the other staff was indeed factual. i concurred but then asked her to consider the statement from the other person's perspective, how hearing that statement in a certain situation would alter the perception.

it was a frustrating conversation in which i had to slowly build the case for empathy. at the end, she agreed to apologize to the other staff for her statement, but then immediately turned the situation onto herself and how wretched she is as a person. the situation went from self-defense to self-deprecation in a matter of minutes. so then i had to slowly and patiently encourage her to differentiate between mistakes we make and our entire identity as a 'bad' person.

and i suppose that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? we are all too busy justifying ourselves or tearing ourselves down once our ego suffers an intolerable blow. what we need is to somehow be lifted up out of the mire, rescued from the quicksand of self-absorption. the way i often picture it is unzipping the layer of me and being able to step out with ease.

i think saint augustine summed it up well in his prayer:

O Lord our God,
grant us to trust in Your overshadowing wings:
protect us beneath them and bear us up.
You will carry us as little children,
and even to our grey-headed age You will carry us still.
When You are our strong security, that is strength indeed,
but when our security is in ourselves, that is but weakness.

cups of coffee: 1

mood: pensive

restoration

i've always wondered what patients who awake from long comas must feel....the disorientation, the strangeness of time lost and the simultaneous feeling of time standing still. the newness of a different world than what one's eyes last laid upon. echoes of a familiar life. perhaps the desire to disconnect and re-engage at the same time.

all speculation on my part, of course.

i returned to shanghai a week and a half ago after a one-month absence. still readjusting to the changes that have occurred in what i believed to be a short period of time...

meditating on the theme of restoration lately. working out the definition and reality of restoration, what it means to be truly restored in mind, body and spirit. to be living in wholeness even as we experience the brokenness of a fallen world daily.

i purchased a compilation of prayers from augustine's confessions over the summer and it's been a daily source of fodder for my mind and soul. his prayers are so heartfelt and articulate, straight to the substance without the fluff. i love it. here's one of my favorites:

be not vain, my soul,
and take care that the ear of your heart
be not deafened by the din of your vanity.
you too must listen to the selfsame Word who calls you back,
and there find a place of imperturbable quiet,
where love is never forsaken unless it chooses to forsake.
see, those things go their way that others may succeed them,
and that whole may exist comprised of all its parts,
though a lowly whole indeed.
"but I," says the Word of God,
"shall I depart to any place?"
fix your dwelling there, my soul,
lay up there for safe-keeping whatever you have thence received,
if only because you are weary of deceits.
entrust to Truth whatever of truth is in you, and you will lose nothing;
your rotten flesh will flower anew,
all your diseases will be healed,
all your labile elements will be restored and bound fast to you;
they will not drag you with them in their own collapse,
but will stand firm with you and abide,
binding you to the ever-stable, abiding God.

cups of coffee: 3

mood: quiet, quiet