retrospect

the annual purchase of next year's muji planner (in my opinion, the best planner there is out there) is accompanied by both excitement and reflection. there's something so thrilling about the blank pages of a new planner - boxes and lines yet unfilled with all the hopes and occasions of days to come. where will i celebrate my birthday next year? with whom will i break bread for thanksgiving? what are the moments, big and small, that will culminate in my 34th year on this planet?

there is also sour-sweet nostalgia that comes with tossing out this year's planner. actually, i never have the heart to toss it out straight away. i usually take time to flip through the worn pages covered with scribbles, noting the appointments, grocery lists, deadlines, and all the essential and non-essential notations i felt necessary to jot down.

so, in a tradition started last year, here is a month-by-month recount of all that was memorable from 2011...

january:
- hiring a chinese chef and his wife to cook a new year's feast in my kitchen...one of the best new year's celebrations ever with wonderful friends
- bidding dear grace a fond adieu as she makes the move back to the states
- finishing graduate school applications! waiting, waiting...

february:
- chinese new year and massive family reunions in taiwan
- hanneke comes to stay and study chinese for 3 months!

march:
- china folks take IAM encounter in nyc by storm. debut of the urbanity project as well.
- hello, NYU!
- farewell to glen....embarking on the difficult journey of grief

april:
- friend dianne finally comes to visit!
- one last trip to beijing
- buying a one-way ticket back to the states

may:
- long weekend in cambodia, my new country-love
- our last SHAC exhibit in the studio before the area gets torn down to make way for commercial venues. an appropriate homage: "things that disappear"
- dinner and karaoke blowout with hanneke and friends before she heads back to the states

june:
- a string of farewell parties, including a fabulous "brooklyn vs. the district" bash with justin and lauren
- my last day at twocities

july:
- back in america!
- helping my parents move to their new house in a new town
- moving myself to new york and becoming a brooklynite

august:
- fulfilling my dream of attending the jazz-age lawn party on governor's island
- orientation for school
- i score free tickets to a girl talk concert!

september:
- the start of grad school.....
- chinese food and karaoke for my birthday...it's like i never left shanghai
- attending my first "fashion week" event, courtesy of friend ben

october:
- trekking through the snow for a halloween party
- school, school, school

november:
- weekend jaunt up to boston! reunion with hanneke, grace and other friends
- thanksgiving at home with my parents, the first time in 9 years

december:
- wigs, jigs and mistletoe! epic christmas party hosted with my roommates and another friend.
- finishing my first semester of grad school. whew!
- a wonderful christmas spent with my parents and family friends

here's to finishing 2011 well, and to all the adventures to come....

cups of coffee:  1

mood:  retrospect-algic

welcome home

christmas eve service at my parents' chinese-american church was anything but quiet. first off, there were performances involved. we're not talking traditional nativity plays with children dressed as shepherds and sheep, nor are we talking professional, polished productions with special effects and live animals. we're talking a range of songs and skits in chinese and english played out in a talent show of sorts (including a wonderful rousing dance number by the elderly fellowship, cleverly called the "evergreens", led by my mom, an honorary member). we're talking straight-to-the-point "reason for the season" proclamation peppered with "hallelujah's!", with the enthusiasm more than making up for polish and loud impassioned singing making up for musical finesse. the only quiet moment was at the very end, when small white candles jammed through cardboard holders were hastily distributed to the congregation for the singing of "silent night" in chinese. the whole affair was disorganized, boisterous, and beautiful in all its messiness. made me miss shanghai.

during my nine years in china, i only came home once for christmas. so this christmas was special in many ways, but particularly for my parents because they viewed it as their daughter's homecoming. i feel like the prodigal son sometimes - not because i've squandered my inheritance on loose living, but because for many years, i've lived physically and metaphorically so far from home. i'm not saying it's been ten-plus years of terrible decisions; on the contrary, i've learned so much and been blessed to grow in all sorts of unexpected ways. but my fierce inclination towards independence and stubborn self-reliance have definitely led me down paths carved by my strong will. from boston to london and then to shanghai, i was always searching for the next big adventure, the next thing to satisfy. now that i'm settled in new york for at least the next two years, there's a strange and comforting sense of belonging, of having traveled far only to land so near.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.  

- T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

"know the place for the first time." i love that image and everything it encapsulates.

in the six months since i've been back, i've been hit again and again by this overwhelming sense of being home. for the first time in a long time, i live geographically closer to my parents - their house is literally a two and half hour train ride away. and for the first time ever perhaps, i'm not antsy and restlessly peering around the corner to see what's coming. i'm happy to be here, to be fully present and to give thanks for the moment. it is age? is it fatigue/growing laziness? whatever it is, i don't mind.

 mom leading the "evergreens" in a dance number

 "merry christmas!"

cups of coffee:  2

mood: joyful, joyful

incarnate love

loving people is not easy, mostly because every single person is complicated and difficult. we're all such tangled messes - hiding this, guarding that - all the while desperately wanting to be affirmed and loved. and when we experience a real encounter, when we let down our masks and allow vulnerability to occur, it's beautiful and powerful. we realize how life is meant to be lived.

school has been exhausting the past couple of weeks with final projects and presentations, but life has been rich. my cup overflows with the joy of advent and the wonderful friendships that bless me here. i've had so many fecund conversations with friends lately, full of honesty and hope, i feel like my heart could burst with gratitude. in this season particularly, i am awestruck by the Incarnation, this amazing manifestation of divine love. God came down. He dwelt among us. He touched us and allowed us to touch Him. He walked with us.

and we in turn are called to live and love in this incarnation model. get our hands dirty, roll up our sleeves, mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. not shy away from the mess, but instead plunge in with resilient hope and tenacious love.


cups of coffee:  2 + 1 green tea

mood:  time for bed....

dance

i loved this article from npr: "the magic of music and a little room to groove"

the author basically sums up why i always feel compelled to dance:

"The world is always moving, cars speeding here and there, the Earth spinning and turning around the sun, and day becomes night and the night becomes day, and even as our lives pass us by we stand still, trapped in the calcified malaise that too often rules our spirits. We've become a world of wallflowers.
What a thing it is to dance, to feel music in your blood, to have your heart alive and your body free."

what a thing, indeed. i think we were wired to celebrate, to worship, to exalt. when we don't, we are robbing ourselves of great joy and denying a vital essence of who we are. i love watching children dance - they're not self-conscious, they're not in it to impress, they're not trying to do all the right moves. they dance to just dance - a simple exuberant expression and natural response to great music they hear.

my roommates and i are throwing a holiday bash this weekend with the theme, "wigs, jigs and mistletoe." i can't wait to dance!


cups of coffee:  a bazillion

mood:  ugh. end of the semester. please finish soon.

30-hour respite

just returned from a quick weekend trip to boston - 30 hours to be exact. squeezed it in while new england foliage was still bursting in its glory, right before thanksgiving and the onslaught of my final projects and papers (only 4+ weeks of the semester left....unbelievable).

highlights:
mint chocolate coffee at cafe algiers. chili and beer party at the beautiful l'abri house in southborough. conversations late into the night about love, God, family and community. brunch at IHOP, for old times' sake. 25-cent chicken wings and sunday afternoon football. downtown boston aglow with autumn sunshine. worship at my home church. delightful friends who bring such joy to my heart.

thank you, boston. that was a wonderful and much-needed respite.

cups of coffee: 3

mood:  happy

mishmash

my brain has been in a perpetual state of fried lately. i'm constantly trying to keep my head above the piles of reading to complete and papers to write for class. there is always another deadline right around the corner. and yes, i did sign up for all this when i decided to enroll in grad school so really, i'm not complaining.

but since sleep has been compromised and so has my social calendar, blogging sadly has also taken a backseat. here, in no particular order, are snippets of thoughts i've meant to blog but haven't had the time...

• when you attend school for a program in arts administration with a bunch of girls who are all artists and art-lovers, this means no one wears sweatpants to class. NO ONE. even the three guys (2 gay, 1 straight) in my class always look good. and it's not just looking put together - every one of my classmates has their own sense of style, their signature. there's the girl with the braids who always wears large lattice-like earrings. and the girl with the short hair who works for phillips de pury and always carries a kate spade bag. or the black girl from brooklyn whose amazing collection of colorful hosiery astounds me. or the guy who's interning at christie's and always wears a tie and sometimes vest to class. gone are the days of bumming in class.

• my brain feels like it's about to explode. besides the copious amounts of reading we have to do for class, there is so much external reading to do just to keep up with current events, exhibitions, art news.... and with my particular interest in art and social justice/community development, this means i have to stay abreast of public policy as well. keep those rss feeds coming.....

• my supervisor at work, the senior accountant, is hilarious. he's a middle-aged filipino-american man who always says what he thinks.  he has a slight accent where he stretches out certain vowels into nasaly flat tones, like "stupiiiiiid", which he uses a lot. today, when i was eating hummus and pita for lunch and raving about how much i love hummus, he said, "that's fine now but one of these days, you'll have trouble poo-pooing." and then later this afternoon, when the CFO was joking around with him about how he didn't hear what she had said earlier, he responded, "it's not my fault. it's all this hair that's growing in my ears." i love my job.

• want a surefire way to lose weight? first, move to a city where everything is expensive. then, choose to be a student so you're not earning money full-time. better yet, be a full-time student and work 20 hours a week to try and alleviate the expenses of living in said-expensive city. make sure your schedule is really packed - every hour measured out. and make sure your schedule involves a lot of running around from one end of the city to the other, which means you're usually late so you're literally running around. eat simply and not often, due to time and budget constraints. trust me, you'll lose weight unintentionally.

• this city is crazy, chaotic, maddening, inspiring, daunting, liberating, cacophonous and lyrical. in other words - i love it here.

and in the spirit of halloween, here's a recent gem of a find:

http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.tumblr.com/

is it halloween? or is it just williamsburg in brooklyn? you be the judge.


cups of coffee:  1 + 3 cups of green tea

mood:  time for bed

overflowing

i've been back in the states for about 3 months now and a student for almost 1 month. life is setting into a sense of normalcy, though adjusting to student mode has been more challenging than i'd expected.

the last time i was in school, people were still using desktop computers. we were just starting to really use mobile phones, but only for making phone calls and to send the occasional text. my course readings involved a mountain of textbooks. i had to call or email my professor's department office to arrange meetings during their office hours.

technology has changed everything in the past 10 (wow, 10! how old AM i.....) years. everyone has a laptop now and a good handful use tablets. my iphone is my crutch: i'm checking email, looking up restaurants, using the dictionary, constantly referring to google maps when i get lost. all my professors have their calendars online, and scheduling meetings now requires clicking on their calendar link, signing in, and scheduling the slot myself. my readings involve a small pile of books but tons of websites, blogs, and pdf documents (which led to the purchase of my first kindle so i could read while in transit. and i know i should have waited - purchased my kindle mere weeks before the new kindle fire was released!).

i went to the library for the first time last week and was absolutely overwhelmed. nyu's bobst library, besides being architecturally massive, overflows with resources both online and physically. i actually had to sign up for an orientation session next week, for fear of being completely lost and in a panic come final papers deadlines.

my life is overflowing in so many ways. when it comes to school, i feel as if my head were cracked open and all this information is just being poured into all the crevices. i'm living, reading, sleeping, breathing arts administration. with the copious amounts of reading assigned - particularly for my "environment of the visual arts" class, taught by our interim department director, a very thin richard gere with intense eyes and an airy voice - i am constantly reading and trying to stay afloat.

the readings are fascinating. i always realized the art world and arts organizations were complicated, but this past month of reading, discussing and learning is further opening my eyes to just how complex that world is. from the current reality of a ludicrous art market to questionable ethical practices in the non-profit and for-profit realms, it is an amazing array of greys.

when i'm not reading (which is pretty much all the time), i'm visiting exhibitions and taking notes. one of my classes is "intro to galleries and museums in new york" and we visit different galleries, museums and art districts every week, sometimes with guided tours by staff who are alumni from our program. needless to say, i LOVE this class. all my classes require visiting exhibitions on my own time as well, and most of our papers and projects revolve around our research and analysis of these institutions and the work they're doing. this weekend, i have back-to-back museum trips scheduled: first, it's off to brooklyn museum for their 'target first saturday' event, then it's sunday afternoon at the MoMA for the 'talk to me' exhibition. i'm hoping to catch the much-acclaimed de kooning exhibit at the MoMA as well on sunday - that is, if i'm not totally over-saturated by art yet.

i confess that i am a bit of a nerd, and my curiosity is being wonderfully sated by school. i love learning and asking questions, and i'm excited that two of my final projects involve putting together analysis and strategic suggestions for a museum and an arts center. so much of what we're learning is theoretical but there is a heavy emphasis on the practical. we are getting to apply what we are learning, and that is incredibly satisfying.

on top of school, life in nyc is bursting with a million and one things to do. last weekend, i celebrated my birthday on U.S. soil, the first in nearly a decade. dear friend hanneke came down from boston, and we trekked to flushing, queens with a few other friends for an afternoon of delightful noshing on cheap, good chinese food. the evening was spent celebrating with friends over drinks in the lower east side, followed by a couple hours of rousing karaoke. ironic that i would celebrate my first birthday back in america doing pretty much what i would have done in shanghai.

 my awesome roommates

 reunited with hanneke

in what has become an annual tradition, i "gave up" my birthday to raise money for charity:water. upping the stakes a bit each year, i raised my goal to $2,000 this year and was so excited to see that goal met! a big, warm "thank you!" to those of you who participated in the fundraiser this year! it was also a pleasant surprise to receive a personal thank-you video from founder scott harrison, as part of their fifth year anniversary celebration this september.

i continue to be deeply grateful to live life in this gracious overflow. i know what i've been entrusted with is a wonderful gift - not to be hoarded but to generously share. i am thankful for each and every provision here, and my daily prayer is that these gifts would pass through me - as fruit from one hand to another - to bless, nourish and encourage those around me.

cups of coffee:  1

mood:  deeply thankful

we remember

Last picture of WTC, Bob Guskind

ten years ago. planes crashed, buildings crumbled, loved ones lost, world shaken. feelings of invincibility shriveled as fear smothered us. grief spawning rage spawning hate, and back to grief again. fingers grasping for God, for each other, for something to hold on to.

today we paused to remember, mourn, honor and renew. today we publicly grieved for those whose absences are still felt deeply by family and friends. today we reflected on the past decade - how we've changed, how we haven't, the choices we've made, the world we are attempting to rebuild.

i remember that morning, sauntering into work in downtown boston, cup of dunkin' donuts coffee in hand as usual, and noticing the television monitor in the lobby was on. image of smoke billowing, video replay of a plane hurtling towards the tower. i remember shock then disbelief, then profound sadness and cold fear. i remember the evacuation of downtown offices, walking through deserted streets and feeling eerily alone. i remember sitting through a prayer service, uncertain of how to form words, what to ask for, but deeply - desperately - longing for God to confirm His presence with some miraculous, gracious, triumphant gesture.

we remember not because we want to hold onto pain. we remember because in this act of remembrance, we mourn all that is not right, all that should not be. we give grief its space. we do not suppress it, lest it boils to resentment or festers into vengeance. we are not consumed by it, lest we lose sight of hope. we acknowledge it, paying proper tribute.

and then we must persevere. we persevere in love because ultimately, love triumphs. we persevere because this world, as shattered and broken as it is, glimmers with the vision of what could and will be. we persevere holding tight to the hope that someday, all this sadness will be made untrue, that evil will be stamped out, that the dead will rise, that our weeping will turn to joy and tears of sorrow to rivers of gold. we persevere because there is a Redeemer and redemption is happening, and we participate in that ongoing work of redemption.

but today, we took time to remember and mourn. and pray for the peace of this land and for the coming of the world that ought to be.

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  pensive

new life

i am officially a student now. on tuesday, i stuffed my messenger bag with spiral notebooks and pens, slung it over my shoulder, and sloshed through the rain to my first day of classes. my textbooks finally arrived today via UPS (long story - but the short of it is two failed delivery attempts including one where the driver knocked on the door of the building next door, and the eventual re-routing of the delivery to my work address), reading assignments have been doled out and the various syllabuses have been reviewed. and now for the actual studying....

i LOVE my degree program. every class so far has been enjoyable, with personable professors and fascinating classmates. there are several girls from china in my class actually, including one who already received one master's degree at peking university and worked as a gallery assistant at pace gallery. there's the girl from tel aviv who worked as a curator and desires to return to israel upon the completion of her degree to advocate arts education. there's the half-indian, half-german girl who just graduated from central st. martin's college of art and design, who grew up surrounded by art and antiques in her father's gallery. and yes, my class is mostly women: 42 students and only 3 are male.

for one of my classes, i'm required to tweet five times a week. seriously.

i have felt overwhelmed in a good way this week: overwhelmed at the million and one possibilities and paths that now stretch before me, the mountain of resources that lay at my fingertips. this program's extensive network of alumni working in the arts, being in this city that's the nexus of the international art world, professors bursting with knowledge and experience and happy to impart it all to us eager students....i am in awe. and incredibly humbled.

it's slowly sinking in that i am living, in many ways, a new life. new circles of friends, new neighborhoods, new rhythms of life. i am gradually settling in, though i am aware that realistically, it may be another year before the rhythms feel natural. i am learning my way around my part-time job at a hedge-fund company, getting the hang of reading numbers and performing simple analysis. i am learning all the ins and outs of the new york subway system, acquiring the skills to decipher the tangle of colorful lines on the map, to calculate the best way from point A to point B (the iphone app helps), and to interpret the garbled voices over the intercom speakers announcing this train delay or that re-routing.

and there's the social scene - oh my. there is certainly no lack of activity here. my friend thomas informed me the other day that new yorkers often suffer from a condition called "fomo": "fear of mission out." i can see why. this week is fashion week, and tonight was "fashion's night out". i decided to make it "eva's night in." :)

but i have definitely been enjoying the social life here - in the past couple of weeks, i attended a wine tasting fundraiser for one home many hopes, a concert kicking off the US open featuring matt & kim and girl talk, and "warm up saturday" at MoMA PS1. tomorrow evening, i'm going to a friend's exhibit opening, and then accompanying a friend who works in fashion media to a fashion show at lincoln center as part of fashion week! what to wear, what to wear.....

here's to the new life. :)

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  sleepy

living in the gray

it's been two months now since i left shanghai. almost a month and a half since i moved to new york city. china seems a distant dream sometimes - was it really 9 years? other times, recollections are sharp and palpable, hitting me at random moments and prompted by certain sights and sounds: the chatter of young chinese women, most likely graduate students, on the subway; the vendors lined along the street in chinatown, their carts spilling with vegetables; the food truck parked constantly near my school, dishing out containers of potstickers.

a lot of friends have asked me how my transition has been. to be honest, it's been much easier than i'd anticipated. reverse culture shock did jolt me upon arrival and occasionally still rears its head, but on the whole, life in america has not been difficult to slip into. and life in new york has definitely been exciting thus far - trying out restaurants and bars, attending exhibitions, parties and wine tastings...the glamorous sheen of an urbanite life is similar in any major city, i suppose. this isn't to say life here is without a dark side; in the past couple of weeks, my neighborhood has experienced cases of sexual assault and a stabbing at a subway station. and this is probably the safest area in brooklyn.

the things that have proven difficult to wrap my mind and heart around are not easily unpacked. the onslaught of power, money, beauty and sex in this city - pervasive and inescapable. destitution and depravity found on almost every street corner in the form of a homeless man passed out and reeking of alcohol or a young mother with a child at her breast and tears in her eyes, slumped in the corner of the subway station stairwell. the blind eye turned by many a passerby.

i'm re-learning how to filter new issues through the lens of my faith as a christian. in china, i had to navigate issues such as corruption in businesses, the cultural concept of "saving face", loving my neighbors cross-culturally, to name a few. here, i'm contemplating and conversing on issues of sexuality, gay marriage, stewardship of career and finances, religious pluralism....and so forth. still learning to love my neighbors.

whatever the issues are, i think we are people called to live in the gray. i believe i am called to seek God, know God, seek Truth, speak Truth, but it's all covered in Love. without love, all is naught. and i think to love is to plunge into the gray, the areas of uncertainty and ambiguity, to get messy in the lives of broken people who long for so much more, all the while acknowledging my own brokenness.

i miss shanghai but i'm so glad to be here in nyc. but most of all, i'm glad to be here living in the gray.

cups of coffee:  1

mood: happy

spirit of food

i first mentioned the spirt of food back in september and am finally getting around to reading it. absolutely sumptuous: eloquent storytelling, deep spiritual insights, and truths small and simple but richly profound. 34 writers exploring the connections between community and God through food. i cannot stop raving about this book - it is akin to eating a delicious meal that you wish would never end and one that you want all your friends to partake in.

each chapter (an individual essay) provides so much fodder for thoughtful digestion. here's one of my favorite passages, quoting from robert farrar capon's (a talented chef and episcopalian priest) book, the supper of the lamb:

"For all its greatness, the created order cries out for further greatness still. The most splendid dinner, the most exquisite food, the most gratifying company, arouse more appetites than they satisfy. They do not slake a man's thirst for being; they whet it beyond all bounds."

the whetting of our appetites, the insatiable desire that longs beyond the things of this world for something more glorious and everlasting....this is the holy hunger of mankind - the hunger for God Himself. the hunger for beauty that bursts the very seams of our metaphorical bellies, desiring for the thing that fills us to rapturous overflowing.

in our fallen world, what we experience is what capon terms "the inconsolable heartburn":
"The Inconsolable Heartburn...by which the heart looks out astonished at the world and in its loving, wakes and breaks at once." the longing for the here and not yet.

this passage from the chapter written by karen baldwin sums up the essence behind my love for food and hospitality:

"On nights like that night in Colorado, we've orchestrated dinners for a crowd of our children's friends, and on other nights we've eaten a quiet meal with just the two of us. And in the same spirit of openness, invitation and hospitality we like to begin each meal by thanking God and lifting our friends up before the one who invites us to come and eat of the bread of life that he gives. Our friends may not share our deepest convictions, they may not understand the great significance we place in this time at the table, but we can't recall any expectant mothers or anxious students declining our request to pray for them. So we never feel timid about raising a glass of wine or a plate heaped with fragrant food, and then, with simple gratitude and joy, extolling the Creator who celebrated his creative power and genius by resting and blessing his handiwork. And as we say amen, we recognize that in our Creator's image, we have also completed a work of preparation, and so we enter into a celebration-rest together at the table where there is both food to nourish our bodies and fellowship to revive our souls."

- karen baldwin, the spirit of food

cups of coffee:  1 + 1 green tea with lemon

mood:  hungry

jazz age lawn party

ever since i first heard about the "jazz age lawn party" via the sartorialist, i've dreamed of getting all glammed up great gatsby style and picnicking on governor's island with other costumed revelers.

well, yesterday, my dream came true.

 amazing orchestra playing swing tunes

 stylish baby buggy...the owner was using it as a food cooler

 shopping for the perfect hat

 this woman knew how to picnic in style. i need to be friends with her in time for next year's lawn party.

 mother and son - note the adorable slingshot in his pocket!

trying to eat a peanut butter sandwich with class

 amazing couples were tearing up the dance floor

 i think this guy actually time traveled from the 1920's

thank you, friends, for a fun afternoon!

and new york - honestly, can i love you more?  i don't think it's possible.....

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  comfy

stoop life

There’s nothing better on a warm summer evening in Brooklyn than sitting on the stoop of my brownstone, sipping a beer and reading a book. As the day settles into muted dusk, I drink my Negra Modelo contently while plowing through “The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay”, which I embarrassingly started months ago.

Directly across the street from me is a funeral home. I watch a couple of cars pull up to the curb tonight and the occupants clamber out to make their way to the door. Most of them are chatting, even laughing, bearing not at all the sort of mood I would expect of visitors to a funeral home. I wonder what kind of person died. The valet for the funeral home is a young African-American man, looking bored in his white shirt and black trousers. He spends most of the evening texting on his phone, sometimes propped against a parking meter, sometimes perched on the hood of a car.

The street is never quiet here. There is always the rumble of the R train as it burrows far beneath the pavement, roaring like some underground monster tearing through the tunnels. The traffic’s symphony is never ceasing, swallowed occasionally by the relentless wailing of an ambulance.

A straight shot from the subway station, the sidewalk in front of my apartment proves to be a runway of sorts. There is the Hispanic woman, curvy and brown, with her long ponytail sashaying behind her, chirping Spanish loudly into her mobile phone. There is the young couple walking hand-in-hand, he with his square-framed glasses and ironic t-shirt, she with her hair pulled into a messy-yet-stylish bun on her head with a canvas bag slung haphazardly on her shoulder. There is the bevy of dog-walkers, all carrying serious countenances while their canine companions prance happily before them, smiling broadly with their tongues lolling.

An elderly man paces up and down the street, looking for his cat. With a shock of white hair, he is shirtless and paler than the underside of a flounder. In his left hand, he carries some sort of breathing apparatus with a long transparent tube snaking its way up to his nostrils. In his right hand, he carries a walking cane, which he forcefully thumps twice on the pavement after every five steps.

“Muffy!” he cried out. “Muffy!” Passing by my stoop, he pauses and squints up at me.

“Have you seen a grey cat?” he asks me gruffly.

I shake my head and smile. He thumps his cane and continues his course. At one point, he leans forward against a tree, the breathing machine tapping against the trunk. I hope he’s okay. I hope he finds Muffy.

cups of coffee: 1 + 1 iced tea + 1 negra modelo

mood:  lovin' it

making a name

this past week, two figures of renown passed away: amy winehouse and john stott. one was talented, tormented and died way too young; the other older, wiser, and a steward of a faithful life. i've been considering their lives, the sharp contrasts in which they lived and died, and in light of that, considering my own life.

moving to nyc has been an easy transition in some ways and challenging in others. the acclimation from one major city to another has been with relative ease, thankfully: learning to navigate new streets, maneuver a different subway system, explore new restaurants, bars and other venues. it's funny the things i've found actually difficult to adjust to: remembering to recycle, making small talk with strangers, finding correct change from the mess of coins (once familiar but now so, so foreign) in my purse.

a friend asked me the other day what is perhaps most daunting about living in nyc. i have to say it's this general pressure to be someone, to make a name for yourself. everything here moves at this frantic pace towards something, towards this faceless intangible called 'success.' i don't want to get caught up in it, but i can see how tempting it can be when the current is so strong and so wide.

on a pride level, i do miss my life in shanghai in this respect. working at the gallery and being part of the smaller social circles in shanghai, it was flattering to attend preview openings, restaurant openings, gala events, VIP dinners....it made me feel like "somebody." even though i know my identity is rooted elsewhere, the trappings were nice.

perhaps it's a good thing to be a "nobody" again. :) it's definitely humbling after becoming accustomed to a certain way of life. and a good reminder of where my true identity and home lie.

cups of coffee: 1 + 1 iced chai

mood: sweatin'

oh, brooklyn

i've been an official brooklynite for 48 hours. here's the short list of my likes and dislikes thus far:

likes:
- my roommates. all 3 are medical residents. yes, they are fun, attractive, smart and cool like the docs on "grey's anatomy." no, they are not all sleeping with one another. and yes, apparently there is a lot of drama that happens with the hospital staff. they keep sharing gossip with me about their colleagues whom i haven't met yet.
- my neighborhood. there's an amazing homemade yogurt place down the street - check, that's TWO yogurt places. there are fun cafes, bars and restaurants. a decent-sized supermarket is a 5-minute stroll away and a 24-hour dunkin' donuts is right on the corner. AND the subway station is literally across the street.
- my neighbors. actually, the one neighbor i've met so far. my bedframe collapsed suddenly last night and the neighbor downstairs was kind enough to bring his toolbox up this evening and fix my bed. i wanted to bake him cookies to thank him but he's on the zone diet. so i'm gonna give him a bottle of vino instead.
- the apartment. it's a good size with a decent kitchen and two bathrooms.

dislikes:
- the apartment. my bedroom is a closet. everything is old and falling apart. and my roommates are all busy so i've been the default cleaning lady thus far. i miss my ayi terribly.
- the subway system. nyc's subway system is extensive but oh-so-run-down. but then again, i have been spoiled by shanghai's state-of-the-art subway trains and fully air conditioned stations.
- cost of living. everything is so &$^#%@ expensive in general here.
- my landlord. he actually lives in north carolina so isn't present to deal with any apartment issues. and apparently he's not the most pleasant person unless you're able to get on his good side. i miss being my own landlord.

all in all, the transition has been smooth. i think it hit me for the first time yesterday that i am indeed back in america and living in new york of all places. i feel like i'm re-learning american culture every day.

met with my advisor today and registered for classes! wow. it's really happening....

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  mixed feelings

the greatest thing since sliced bread

okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. but this is pretty great.

i recently discovered 8tracks, which is a site that provides, in their own words, "handcrafted internet radio." it - is - genius. for someone like me who loves music, discovering new artists, and composing playlists that capture certain moods, moments, scenarios... this is like heaven. you can share your mixes and listen to others. some people are superb at crafting mixes, and you can follow them and be updated on whatever new playlists they concoct. and if you like a certain song, it's linked to amazon so you can purchase the song with a click. let me reiterate - genius.

i uploaded my first mix a couple of days ago, entitled "spring-ing." here it is:

http://8tracks.com/everting/spring-ing

enjoy!

cups of coffee: 2

mood:  bloated and busy

adjustments

resettling into your home culture after having been away for a lengthy period of time is akin, i imagine, to waking up from a coma. everything is, to borrow a popular phrase from thailand, "same same but different." it's not just your environment that's changed - you've changed as well.

in many ways, my first week back to the states feels no different than any other visit home i've made in the past 9 years: i sleep a lot, eat a lot, and generally soak up sun, sales and super-fast internet speed. i think the reality of having moved back to the states for good (for now) won't hit me until a few more weeks, when i would normally be packing up my suitcases again and squeezing in as much time as possible with family and friends. time on american soil, which once felt precious to spare, now feels abundant.

i admit my re-entry so far has been a soft landing. apart from helping my parents pack and prepare to move house, the days have been mostly languid and lazy: lots of naps, home cooked meals, scenes of green hills and blue sky (and the occasional deer or groundhog) from our yard, and sessions of wii fit.

culture shock, however, hasn't been completely absent, particularly in small-town america. a few observations:

- i've been watching some TV - not much, just a little. it's terrible. i can't tell if media is dumbing things down for us or if the american public is getting too dumb to accept anything more intelligent. okay, that might be harsh. but the combination of reality shows featuring people that you'd probably punch in the face if you were to actually meet, lack of shame in baring all your problems and your family's problems for your countrymen to dissect, and ridiculous competitions in which everyone wants to prove they have talent when actually most of them do not.....it almost makes me want to sell our television set.

- there is such a culture of fear. from the news reporting ominous tales of terrorists and disease-ridden foods to commercials that scare you into buying medication, insurance and all sorts of other products that claim to protect, i find myself hyperventilating whenever the TV is on. again, makes me want to just chuck the whole thing out the window.
note: maybe china was like that as well, but i never watched TV in china. i opted to get my news from online western sources, and since i was able to pick and choose the articles i wanted to read, perhaps i didn't feel the bombardment of watching the evening news and having so much tragedy and terror hurled at me.

- everything is so convenient. everything is just a quick drive away, and whatever you want to buy is packaged, processed and neatly prepared so you need only to do minimal work. easy peasy.
on a related note, the amount of junk food cramming the aisles of supermarkets is appalling. i was nearly blinded by the manic packaging colors and the even more manic colors of the foods themselves. (this was also over july fourth weekend, so maybe it was kicked up a notch for the holiday.....)

- everyone is so friendly. gratuitously friendly. and maybe it's small-town america, but freely dispensing too much unnecessary information.

- everyone has an opinion, and dammit, we're entitled to give it. and we're entitled to our rights, and no one is going to tell us differently. case in point: my flight from newark to albany was inexplicably delayed for 2 hours (the flight itself only took less than 45 minutes). the counter agent was not the most informative, but perhaps he wasn't being given that much information either. he was a slightly abrasive middle-aged italian-american man, and he didn't handle the irritated passengers' queries with the smoothest of manners. people did not like that - and they let him know. there was a lot of mouthing back, someone even 'booed', and the woman seated next to me was on her phone instantly, calling continental's customer service and reporting his less-than-satisfactory behavior.

another example - while working out at the gym today, i watched president obama conduct a townhall via twitter. observing our nation's leader having to answer to the people - i've missed that dearly during my time abroad.

- the proverbial belt has definitely been cinched. whereas everything in china is currently geared towards "spend! spend! spend!", there is a noticeable conscious coupon-cutting and penny-pinching culture happening here.

perhaps i've grown more critical over the years as well. things that i accepted as normal almost a decade ago i may now question, viewed through the lens of an outsider.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  sleepy. naps do not help jetlag.

home

back in the U.S. of A! just in time for independence day.

the last couple of weeks in shanghai were a blur - packing, shipping boxes, repacking, purging, more packing, more purging. squeezed in there as well were social events galore - trying to see as many friends as possible. i think i slept an average of 4 hours per night.

now that i'm home, the last month seems a fuzzy dream. shanghai itself sometimes seems a fuzzy dream. i slept for most of today and will be spending the next couple of weeks helping my parents pack and move to their new house. and then moving myself to nyc.

two images from my last day in shanghai:

 good-bye

 packed and ready to go

and my first image of america!

it's good to be back!

mood:  sleepy, still

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

Counting down...

One more week left in Shanghai!
This past week at a glance, seen through images courtesy of Instagram.


cups of coffee: 2? 3?

mood:  holy crap. i have a lot to do.

last day

yesterday was my last day at the gallery. so strange to turn in my keys, clean out my desk, and walk out those heavy wooden doors for the last time (as a gallery employee at least).

i started out this job almost 5 years ago with practically non-existent management experience and bottom-of-the-barrel art knowledge. i was timid, uncertain, naive and intimidated. the gallery was just starting out - a little place with big dreams. now, 5 years later, we've established a solid presence in shanghai, known for the high caliber of our exhibitions and events as well as the sincerity of our hospitality. i couldn't be prouder to have been part of this amazing venture.

in the past several weeks, many folks have expressed to me their appreciation for my part in building twocities and how i've helped to grow it. to be honest, this job and this place have perhaps grown me more than i've grown it.

though fear and uncertainty will still strike me every now and then, this job has increased my confidence and capacity in ways i hadn't imagined. i hope i'm not speaking out of arrogance - it's more of a sense of pride in doing good work, in knowing failure is inevitable but resilience is possible, and in knowing that if what you are doing is true and meaningful, people will sit up and take notice.

i've learned to develop a thicker skin, to let things slide and pick my battles. i've learned to manage people (not my favorite thing to do) and in managing, aim to truly care for those under my wing. i've learned to be firm and saccharine at the same time - sometimes the only way to get things done around here, especially as a woman. i've learned to read the many shades of nuance in chinese culture and to read people more proficiently. i've learned to not fear failure.

and there is, of course, all the nitty-gritty of the art business that i've learned along the way. but that's a whole other blog post in itself.

most of all, i've learned more about who i am and how the Lord has created me. i've been made more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and in doing so, have gained a fuller understanding of how He's designed me. i've discovered the things i'm passionate about, the places where my skills and God's heart intersect. i've realized what makes me come alive. i've learned what it means to listen to and follow your calling.

thank you, twocities. it's been an often challenging, frequently frustrating but truly remarkable journey.

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood:  bittersweet

o, the things i will miss

i should be packing and cleaning my apartment. but it's raining and i'm lazy. so, here are lists i've been compiling mentally and finally getting down in the blogosphere...

what i will NOT miss about shanghai:

- the awful air quality! pollution, pollution, pollution.
- "yellow plum season." aka "rainy season" aka "moldy time."
- pushing. shoving. spitting. cutting in lines. in other words - the masses practicing self-centeredness and total oblivion.
- terrible, terrible drivers. every man and woman for his/her self on the roads.
- strange identity of being an asian-american here - not fully american, not fully chinese. very tired of being the designated go-to person for servers whenever i'm out with non-chinese friends (even if these "waiguoren"/foreigner friends speak chinese fluently). definitely tired of having to explain why i'm american with a chinese face. immigration, people. c'mon!
 
what i will miss about shanghai:

- an amazing community of friends with vision, passion and authenticity. i have really, really been blessed.
- the folks in my neighborhood: the kind but gruff shanghainese men who work as the guards at my building, the sweet couple who run a vegetable stand at the local wet market, the two hilarious sisters who run a fruit stand with their family, my slightly forgetful and chatty cleaning lady ("ayi")....
- food. oh my goodness, the food.
- street food. i know this is really a subcategory of food but it deserves its own bullet point. really.
- chinese new year and fireworks!!!!
- motorcycle taxis!
- split pants. 9 years later, they still crack me up. (no pun intended)

i truly am going to miss this city. the labyrinth of streets winding through towers of metal and glass. noises that never cease from early morning until late, late night - squeaking of bike brakes, blare of car horns, loud bass booming from speakers balanced precariously on the back of motorcycles, sharp chatter of shanghainese (punctuated by the occasional yell and crescendo of argument).

i am going to miss the glitz and the glam, the swagger, the fantasy being lived in sharp contrast to heartbreaking realities. i am going to miss living in the obvious tension of this city - hopeful for all the potential that is good, learning to hold on to hope in the midst of all that is frustrating and unjust.
  
the past 9 years have gone beyond my meager expectations.... thanks, shanghai.

cups of coffee: 2

mood: sleepy

classifieds

in preparation for my move back across the pacific, i thankfully only have a few items to sell. my brother and sister-in-law are moving into my apartment, and they kindly decided to buy all my furniture and most of my appliances from me. which means i only have a handful of big things that need to be sold, namely a printer and a mini-trampoline.

while placing my items for sale on a popular classifieds site here, i couldn't help but read through the personal ads - this website has some of the funniest, most outlandish, but sadly real personals. here are a few that caught my eye:


It's raining and i am bored.
I like playing cards, you?
seek a tall and fun person.

(what exactly is the correlation between raining, playing cards and height...?)


I am a nice guy. I am bored and alone in Shanghai. I am normal.
Yet, I am lonely in Shanghai and would like to have an "exciting" conversation with someone.
If you are bored, and want some excitement, please feel free to give me a call AnyTime.We can have an "erotic" conversation if you like, or we can talk about the weather.

("erotic" or the weather. huh. "what are you wearing?" "boy, i wish it would stop raining already.")

I like to find a great girl/women who like to leave China together with me when I go back to Europe.

(hmmm.....i like europe....)

as funny as these ads are to read, they were penned by real people, individuals lonely and starving for love and connection in this massive city. i shouldn't forget that.

the hard thing about leaving a place isn't the packing. it isn't the purging of stuff and figuring out what to do with years of belongings amassed. it's the relationships, the people and community i've come to love and cherish. there aren't enough hours in a day to spend with these people i love, not enough words adequate to express my sincere appreciation for who they are, and all the hopes and blessings i am praying for them. all my articulations and gestures seem to fall short of what i really mean and what i wish i could put words to.

so i smile and hug, use words like "love", and hope that somehow, these dear friends feel the intangible deep from my heart.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  fare thee well.....

waiting. *smile*

i spent a couple of hours this afternoon playing with c, the recently adopted daughter of some friends, so her parents could clean and pack for an impending move. with rain coming down all day, we opted to go to an indoor playarea, where c's mom had signed up for a pass (smart move).

i was hoping to squeeze in a workout before watching c, but then i remembered that i would be spending the afternoon chasing after a high-energy toddler. i opted to skip the workout (smart move).

c is this adorable and amazing three year-old girl. up until about six months ago, she had spent most of her life in an orphanage. she was one in a sea of children, given minimal care and little affection. when my friends first brought her back home, she was a wild child - throwing things, kicking, grabbing... an unpredictable, albeit a very cute tornado.

the transformation she has gone through in even just a few short months has been remarkable. she's a quick learner, grasping vocabulary in english rapidly. though she is still high-energy, she's actually quite an obedient and thoughtful child. but wow, does she have energy!

at one point this afternoon, c really wanted to sit in this little swing - the only swing in the whole play area. a little chinese girl was swinging with her grandma, and when c approached and tried to commandeer the swing, the grandma barked at c in shanghainese to wait. i explained to the grandma that c doesn't understand shanghainese. i then turned to c. "we have to wait," i said. "wait."

c broke into a wide grin. "wait!" she said exuberantly and then clasped her hands and stood there, happy to wait.

and wait she did, for a couple of minutes, until the little girl got tired of swinging and c merrily claimed the swing for her own.

i have never been that happy to wait - for a swing, for most things in my life. after we returned to c's home and i recounted the experience to her parents, they told me that when they've told c to wait, they've granted her the very things she was waiting for. "wait" never meant "no," and c has learned that. for her, to wait is not a negative thing; it's a delightful anticipation of what she knows is coming.

if only i waited with such certainty and joy at what my Heavenly Father promises me and asks me to wait for. if c's parents are so good at caring for her, who am i to doubt how my God cares for me?


mood: pensive

cups of coffee: 2

neighborhood

one month from today, i board a plane with a one-way ticket to america. 30 days to pack, sort, and tie up loose ends. 30 days to say good-bye to the city that has become my home.

i arrived in this city a young, idealistic, borderline-naive girl carrying large dreams and ambitious hopes of changing the world. i carried my presumptions and assumptions, tidy boxes of how i thought life, love and the world ought to be. all the challenges, joys, disappointments and victories of the past 9 years here have forced me to unpack those boxes and re-sort--really, redefine--all that i thought i knew. and i'm the wiser for it, i hope.

the past few weeks have been blasts from the past as visitors have trickled in as through a revolving door. friends who used to live in shanghai, friends who have made shanghai a frequent stop in their various travels....all folks who have come to love this city as much as i do, in all her complicated nuance.

though i'm excited about my upcoming move to another amazing city, i am going to miss shanghai dearly.

one of the top things i'll miss? my neighborhood. i love my neighborhood. i love the building guards who sit outside in lawn chairs on balmy evenings, smoking their cigarettes and chattering in sharp slices of shanghainese with the other tenants in my building. i love that they always ask, "are you going out?" as i hurry past them (usually running late for something), stating the obvious with concerned affection.

i love the fix-it man who comes to repair my lights and stove, stern except for his cheeky smirk, always giving me unsolicited fatherly advice.

i love the husband and wife duo who operate my favorite vegetable stand at the wet market on the corner. i love her gentle demeanor, his smiling but often fatigued face. i love that the wife and i trade recipes as we discuss how we prep and serve different vegetables. "do you fry this with garlic?" "no, i usually eat this raw." i love that they are always a bit aghast that i eat vegetables raw.

i love the street food vendors, working all hours of the morning and night, their gestures sure and memorized as they churn out soups and dumplings and delicious dan bing. i love chatting with them about their business that day, their hometowns and the television show they are usually watching as they work, hands swiftly moving while their eyes are fixated on the small flickering screen.

i love the people in my neighborhood. i confess that in the near-decade that i've lived here, i haven't always liked chinese people: the masses with their spitting and shoving, the masks of their apparent indifference, the nonchalant shrugs from customer service workers and the words "mei ban fa" (there's no way) rolling languidly from their lips without a thought...drives me mad.

but the peng you men (friends) in my neighborhood. oh, i will miss them dearly.


cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood: lazy

precious days

births, deaths. weddings, funerals. events that are personally extraordinary yet universally ordinary: simultaneously momentous and mundane. in the past couple of months, i have mourned the death of a friend, celebrated the births of friends' babies, rejoiced with loved ones uniting in wedded bliss. all the while facing my own transitions and thoughts of change as i prepare to leave 9 years here in shanghai to return to the states.

life is this strange current of constant change. the days, when lived one by one, seem quite ordinary - waking, eating, working, talking... but the compilation of these days, the story threaded through the weeks, months and years - remarkable.

the shock of glen's death still washes over me in cold, unexpected waves. while celebrating at a friend's farewell party the other night at karaoke, my heart got sad amid the loud singing and rambunctious dancing. life felt so full, so rich, so young. to take that away abruptly...tragedy.

these are precious days in so many ways. i have six weekends remaining in shanghai. 47 days to wrap up nearly a decade of relationships, dreams, regrets and good works constructed in this city. in light of glen's death, these days seem even more precious; each day to live and love is, in truth, an extraordinary gift.


cups of coffee: 2

mood: pensive

things that disappear

we held our final SHAC exhibit at our studio space yesterday. by the end of this week, all the tenants of 696 wei hai road will be evicted and the buildings will be razed down or renovated to sparkling newness for whatever bars, cafes and boutique shops will occupy their spaces.

to mourn this loss, our last exhibition was appropriately titled "things that disappear", and all selected pieces wrestled with the reality of insistent disappearing in our lives - from buildings to people, memories to relationships. special attention was given to installations that embodied an act of disappearing; most works were scratched, painted, carved into the walls with maximum use of negative space and intentionally designed to remain in the studio and disappear with the building when it is demolished.

i debuted as an installation artist, collaborating with a couple of other friends to create a "confessional tent." draped in black cloth to form a black box-like room, the confessional tent served as an installation the prompted participants to release the burdens they carried inside: grief, bitterness, regrets, heartaches. the tent was dark inside except for a shaft of light that fell through a hole cut at the top to illuminate a paper shredder, painted black and suspended from the ceiling. the walls were bare and dark except for one quote scrawled in white chalk on one long wall:"when i kept silent, my bones grew old through groaning all the day long."

participants were invited to write their burdens on pieces of white paper with charcoal pencils or publicly declare their burdens by writing it in chalk on the walls. if they wrote on the paper, they would then step up to the lighted shredder and put their paper through the shredder. pieces would fall directly to the floor beneath - a pile of white, shredded confessions.

i also collaborated on another piece, one that was much more personal. at our 'urbanity project' opening, my friend glen had come to show his support. a photograph was taken of him in deep conversation with our friend oli, amid the art and other attendants. as glen recently passed, it seemed an appropriate memorial to pay honor to him somehow in this exhibition.

my friend faith, a very talented artist, reproduced the photo onto the very same wall where glen and oli had leaned. using ink and actually removing pieces of plaster from the wall, she created an exact life-size replicate of the photograph. with layers of the plaster and wire beneath the walls showing through, the whole reproduction had an eerie feel to it - glen as the only fully drawn person in a sea of negative space.

original photo

reproduction

 

faith asked if i would write a poem in lieu of an artist's statement. i agreed but it was much harder than i'd anticipated. i had to remember. i had to think about details - his voice, his face, the way he carried himself. i had to force my mind back into his presence - or his presence back into my mind. i had to wrestle with the undercurrent of grief and the continued aftershock. i had to consider how i think about death. and i had to do it all under time constraint for the exhibition.

the process was both painful and cathartic. in writing it, i was trying to force some sort of closure by the poem's end - more so because i feel like i should have closure, not because there was any real sense of closure. it was good to receive feedback from friends and come to terms with not having closure, with letting questions remain unanswered.

anyway. here it is.

Letter to the Dead

You occupied this space, once. Your voice carried as a warrior’s call, clear and brassy. Your speech – clipped and precise, a rapier slicing the air. Your endless spouting on politics, on love, on how tea ought to be drunk. Your hands – strong, athletic – never shaky, never fumbling. Space widened around you, aura rippling like a golden globule of oil in water. Every ounce of you, grounded.

Until to the ground you fell. Body flat, a forgotten plank. Gravity.

You disappeared without trumpets or kisses. No last glance from a twinkling eye, no wave from the closing elevator door. No letters, no cards, no sentences scribbled in haste on the back of some ripped note. Just sudden vacuum.

How does space become negative? How does nothingness become so unbearable?

We pressed our Sunday best. We spoke in measured tones and weighed words, dishing comfort like winter’s stew. We shuffled down corridors, fear dressed as sorrow. All the while muffling wails that would quiet a banshee.

Do we pay penitence now or are they coins too meager and too late?

Memories of you burst like sudden light - aurora borealis. Flash of brilliance, then pitch black.

Are you the dust and we the breath, or is the other way around? Perhaps you are here, waiting quietly in the dark. Are you touching the walls, pacing the floors, reaching out to brush our skin, missing bodies once warm and familiar?

Perhaps you tread with ghosts, drinking bowls of wine, pouring libations to the living. The silly, silly living. Perhaps the eyes of the dead see so much more than what the living will ever know or comprehend.

Or perhaps we squint, through darkened glass, searching for dappled sun to guide our trembling steps.  

In memory: 

Glen Camille El-Hayek

February 7, 1978 – March 22, 2011

cups of coffee: 1

mood:  thankful

ah, cambodia!

over china's labor holiday last week, a few friends and i took a quick jaunt down to cambodia. we hired a van and driver who shuttled us between phnom penh and siem reap (a little over 5 hours each way). good eats, great conversations, gorgeous scenery, absolutely lovely people....i was completely enraptured by the place...

 exploring the magnificent temples of angkor

inside angkor wat

 door-to-door monks

fish massage and pedicure - the little fish eat the dead skin off your feet. yech.

life has been moving at a million miles per minute. my mind has been fixed on high speed, and there is so much to process. meanwhile, the days are ticking by....less than two months before i leave shanghai...

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  pensive