christmas mourning

28 dead, including the gunman. 20 of those killed - children between the ages of 5 and 10.
it's impossible to escape the images and stories permeating the media from the sandy hook elementary school shooting. beneath all the confusion, bewilderment, anger and deep sadness, there is the overwhelming "why?" - a helpless question with a resounding silence in response.

my own heart has been aching incessantly since the news broke, and with each new piece of information, my heart breaks a bit more. imagining the fear of these children, especially those that were shot at close range....this is not the world they should know. this is not the way things ought to be.

the juxtaposition of the holiday season makes all this seem even less tolerable....in this time of celebration and excited anticipation for feasting and gifts with family and friends, this atrocity is even more jarring. how can we even think about christmas at a time such as this?

but strip away the sentimentality with which we've come to adorn this holiday. take away the tinsel and the christmas cheer, tear down the lights and put away the cookies. think instead on the historical event that launched the establishment of this holiday. ponder the incarnation, the claim that God himself, clothed in human flesh, entered this world as a baby.

recall the infanticide that accompanied the birth of Christ - the slaughter of innocents ordered by a troubled tyrant fearful of a prophecy. imagine the howls and wails that must have filled that night. recount the fleeing of mary, joseph and the babe, running for their lives in the cover of night as Jesus experienced his entrance into this world as a refugee. and then remember the life of the Son of Man himself: the scorn, rejection, betrayal, torture, and ultimately, a wrongful execution.

the heart of the incarnation is a desperate cry for help that was answered. we may not always have the answers we want when terrible things happen, but if the incarnation is indeed true, then God came down to dwell with us in the midst of our pain and suffering. He entered this world of brokenness and devastation, not to observe as a spectator, but to participate fully and to experience it himself, to the point of death. and then if the resurrection is true, He triumphed over the grave. He defeated the powers of fear and darkness and promised that someday, we will experience victory as well and all these experiences of sorrow and grief will be reversed. He made good not just possible but definite even in the face of evil.

the knowledge of this may not alleviate present pain and grief. there is still this need for mourning as we cry for the loss of innocent lives and weep for injustice. but these atrocities also point us straight to the tension of mankind's depravity and desperate desire for a better world. and if the incarnation is true, then victory is not just possible but promised. even as we labor against existing injustices and strive, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to improve the conditions of this world for all its inhabitants, there is the promise of this world to come in which justice will reign and goodness will prevail.

and so our hearts long, even as they break with grief and boil with anger. we long......


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  grieving

welcome home

christmas eve service at my parents' chinese-american church was anything but quiet. first off, there were performances involved. we're not talking traditional nativity plays with children dressed as shepherds and sheep, nor are we talking professional, polished productions with special effects and live animals. we're talking a range of songs and skits in chinese and english played out in a talent show of sorts (including a wonderful rousing dance number by the elderly fellowship, cleverly called the "evergreens", led by my mom, an honorary member). we're talking straight-to-the-point "reason for the season" proclamation peppered with "hallelujah's!", with the enthusiasm more than making up for polish and loud impassioned singing making up for musical finesse. the only quiet moment was at the very end, when small white candles jammed through cardboard holders were hastily distributed to the congregation for the singing of "silent night" in chinese. the whole affair was disorganized, boisterous, and beautiful in all its messiness. made me miss shanghai.

during my nine years in china, i only came home once for christmas. so this christmas was special in many ways, but particularly for my parents because they viewed it as their daughter's homecoming. i feel like the prodigal son sometimes - not because i've squandered my inheritance on loose living, but because for many years, i've lived physically and metaphorically so far from home. i'm not saying it's been ten-plus years of terrible decisions; on the contrary, i've learned so much and been blessed to grow in all sorts of unexpected ways. but my fierce inclination towards independence and stubborn self-reliance have definitely led me down paths carved by my strong will. from boston to london and then to shanghai, i was always searching for the next big adventure, the next thing to satisfy. now that i'm settled in new york for at least the next two years, there's a strange and comforting sense of belonging, of having traveled far only to land so near.

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.  

- T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

"know the place for the first time." i love that image and everything it encapsulates.

in the six months since i've been back, i've been hit again and again by this overwhelming sense of being home. for the first time in a long time, i live geographically closer to my parents - their house is literally a two and half hour train ride away. and for the first time ever perhaps, i'm not antsy and restlessly peering around the corner to see what's coming. i'm happy to be here, to be fully present and to give thanks for the moment. it is age? is it fatigue/growing laziness? whatever it is, i don't mind.

 mom leading the "evergreens" in a dance number

 "merry christmas!"

cups of coffee:  2

mood: joyful, joyful

incarnate love

loving people is not easy, mostly because every single person is complicated and difficult. we're all such tangled messes - hiding this, guarding that - all the while desperately wanting to be affirmed and loved. and when we experience a real encounter, when we let down our masks and allow vulnerability to occur, it's beautiful and powerful. we realize how life is meant to be lived.

school has been exhausting the past couple of weeks with final projects and presentations, but life has been rich. my cup overflows with the joy of advent and the wonderful friendships that bless me here. i've had so many fecund conversations with friends lately, full of honesty and hope, i feel like my heart could burst with gratitude. in this season particularly, i am awestruck by the Incarnation, this amazing manifestation of divine love. God came down. He dwelt among us. He touched us and allowed us to touch Him. He walked with us.

and we in turn are called to live and love in this incarnation model. get our hands dirty, roll up our sleeves, mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. not shy away from the mess, but instead plunge in with resilient hope and tenacious love.


cups of coffee:  2 + 1 green tea

mood:  time for bed....

BAM!

a makeshift advent wreath: 5 tea lights, one plate and one muffin wrapper

while dishing the dirt about boys, love, and everything in between with the girls a few nights ago, i made the observation that life is, in fact, a series of waiting: "it's like waiting, waiting, waiting, then BAM!...then waiting, waiting, waiting, then BAM!"

to which my friend chelsea responded, "i can't wait for the next BAM!"

how appropriate to think of the BAM! that christmas celebrates - the ultimate BAM, if you will, of a people longing and looking for their savior. strip away the trappings that now adorn christmas: the giving, the warm fuzzies, even the "peace on earth, goodwill to men." strip away all the sugar-coated gatherings and the tinsel-and-glitter greetings. at the heart is this simple, radical event: God came to earth and enfleshed Himself among mortal men. thousands of years of bated breath and unanswered prophecies fulfilled in one moment - the impossible became very much a reality.

so if in fact, this is true - if God was not distant but instead very near and intimate, if God is not merely a empathic being but One who possesses complete understanding and even acts in substitutionary love - this changes everything. if God truly came and dwelt among us, then He is no longer a hypothesis - He was tangible.

this holiday is not just about celebrating a birth, ooohing and ahhing over some chubby-legged cherub bearing some incandescent, peaceful visage. it's about an incarnation. it's about this mind-boggling concept of God becoming man. and the further mind-stretching proclamation of His eventual return. if that is indeed what we celebrate, then that truth should rattle us to our very core. it changes everything.

BAM! and happy christmas.

cups of coffee: 2

mood:  joy!

holiday recap!

december was a whirl of parties and food. the first day of 2010 finds me on the couch, trying to recall what happened this last month, sorting through photos on my computer while slowly digesting both the mound of food and alcohol in my stomach and the mishmash of thoughts in my head.

in brief:

a few friends from the arts group and i are chipping in to rent a studio space situated in an alley where tons of artists work. besides using the space for our own creative efforts, we are also hoping to host various events and commit the space as a nucleus for community. christmas was the perfect opportunity to throw an inaugural bash, and a bash we threw indeed! mulled wine, yummy treats, sing-along, and interactive art...we managed to squeeze in about 100 people in our small studio.


continuing our caroling tradition, some friends and i took it to the streets of shanghai again this year. perhaps it's because of preparations for the world expo, but the police were much more vigilant this year and we were shooed (firmly but politely) by security guards and cops on three separate occasions for drawing a crowd and creating a "potentially dangerous" situation. at one point, a newspaper photographer snapped some shots, which appeared in a local newspaper the next day - online version (in chinese) here.

we planned for our finale to be in the lobby of this big shopping mall that featured a wonderful open atrium with amazing acoustics - we sang here last year and it served as a fantastic finish. to our surprise, we arrived to find a large stage set up smack in the center of the lobby with bright lights flashing and techno dance music playing. they were setting up for some kind of performance, with "christmas carnival" sprawled out in purple and pink above the stage.

our fearless group leader, morris, asked the guys running the show if they wouldn't mind turning off the techno music so we could sing a few songs, and to our surprise they not only agreed but invited us to sing on stage! so we ended up as the "opening act" for this brazilian dance number that featured scantily clad women with huge feathered headdresses and one bare chested man whose hip-wiggling could rival that of ricky martin's.


we hosted our annual christmas party at the gallery, and our non-profit highlight this year was 'compassion for migrant children' (CMC). there was a special exhibit of CMC photos set up for sale, and we held a lucky draw with ticket proceeds benefiting CMC. it was a great turnout this year - especially a lot of young chinese folks who had heard about the event via word of mouth.

(photos by henry sha)

i hosted my own christmas gathering at my place - a small brunch on christmas day. nothing like hearty fare, fun friends and even a little impromptu music to celebrate christmas.


last but not least: new year's eve. kicked off with a dinner at my place. the menu ran the gamut from beef pasta casserole to dumplings to krispy kreme donuts (yes, we have a krispy kreme in shanghai now!), and of course, lots of wine and bubbly. we rented a van this year (after the nightmarish ordeal of trying to hail taxis on a freezing new year's eve last year), so we rode in style to azul/vargas grill for drinks following dinner. after reaching midnight and being showered in confetti, we were ready to groove and headed over to lost heaven on the bund, a gorgeous restaurant/lounge/bar with DJs that laid down some heavy beats for the evening's celebrations.


whew! so, that's the holidays at a quick glance.

2009 - it's been grand. thanks for the memories.

2010 - bring it. i'm ready.


cups of coffee - 1

mood: laaaaaazy

advent

a little work in progress.....

Advent

We did not know

cosmic ripples ricocheting

from the faint, small wail of a newborn.

Heaven and earth held their breath

one millisecond—

the Divine became tangible.

Prophets prophesized,

soothsayers soothed,

kings rose and fell, dynastic waves

pummeling the bars of history,

and a people in constant exile,

eyes squinting at the horizon.

But still we did not know.

New world order

toppling our Babels,

our Sodoms and Gomorrahs,

reinventing Eden—

not just a system but life itself—

somehow we become infants, too?

And still we do not know.

Bloody birth and bruised death,

ashes to ashes but dust no more,

all that was torn asunder

re-knit to wholeness. Hope—

initial pinprick of light

on the canvas of night,

growing and pulsating until

it swallows the very darkness that once consumed—

more than enough for us to fathom.

cups of coffee: 3....including one with a splash of kahlua

mood: brrrrrrr......

22 for christmas

a friend referred me to 22 words, a blog that explores different ideas within the limits of 22. one fun thing they have is a 22-word challenge, getting your point across in 22 words exactly.

on a lark, here's my attempt at articulating the Incarnation in 22 words:

burst of light, cosmic symphony.

infinity swaddled in flesh, Creator becoming created.

completing the work that begins redemption.

o happy day, indeed!

cups of coffee: 2

mood: festive

o joy

some friends and i formed an a capella caroling group and took to the streets of shanghai last saturday. we hit one of the busiest pedestrian shopping streets in town, at the peak of crowd traffic.

i'll let the pictures speak for themselves....


here's to bringing a little holiday cheer and joy to those around us.... :)

cups of coffee: 1 1/2

mood: not bad, not bad at all