home

back in the U.S. of A! just in time for independence day.

the last couple of weeks in shanghai were a blur - packing, shipping boxes, repacking, purging, more packing, more purging. squeezed in there as well were social events galore - trying to see as many friends as possible. i think i slept an average of 4 hours per night.

now that i'm home, the last month seems a fuzzy dream. shanghai itself sometimes seems a fuzzy dream. i slept for most of today and will be spending the next couple of weeks helping my parents pack and move to their new house. and then moving myself to nyc.

two images from my last day in shanghai:

 good-bye

 packed and ready to go

and my first image of america!

it's good to be back!

mood:  sleepy, still

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

Counting down...

One more week left in Shanghai!
This past week at a glance, seen through images courtesy of Instagram.


cups of coffee: 2? 3?

mood:  holy crap. i have a lot to do.

last day

yesterday was my last day at the gallery. so strange to turn in my keys, clean out my desk, and walk out those heavy wooden doors for the last time (as a gallery employee at least).

i started out this job almost 5 years ago with practically non-existent management experience and bottom-of-the-barrel art knowledge. i was timid, uncertain, naive and intimidated. the gallery was just starting out - a little place with big dreams. now, 5 years later, we've established a solid presence in shanghai, known for the high caliber of our exhibitions and events as well as the sincerity of our hospitality. i couldn't be prouder to have been part of this amazing venture.

in the past several weeks, many folks have expressed to me their appreciation for my part in building twocities and how i've helped to grow it. to be honest, this job and this place have perhaps grown me more than i've grown it.

though fear and uncertainty will still strike me every now and then, this job has increased my confidence and capacity in ways i hadn't imagined. i hope i'm not speaking out of arrogance - it's more of a sense of pride in doing good work, in knowing failure is inevitable but resilience is possible, and in knowing that if what you are doing is true and meaningful, people will sit up and take notice.

i've learned to develop a thicker skin, to let things slide and pick my battles. i've learned to manage people (not my favorite thing to do) and in managing, aim to truly care for those under my wing. i've learned to be firm and saccharine at the same time - sometimes the only way to get things done around here, especially as a woman. i've learned to read the many shades of nuance in chinese culture and to read people more proficiently. i've learned to not fear failure.

and there is, of course, all the nitty-gritty of the art business that i've learned along the way. but that's a whole other blog post in itself.

most of all, i've learned more about who i am and how the Lord has created me. i've been made more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and in doing so, have gained a fuller understanding of how He's designed me. i've discovered the things i'm passionate about, the places where my skills and God's heart intersect. i've realized what makes me come alive. i've learned what it means to listen to and follow your calling.

thank you, twocities. it's been an often challenging, frequently frustrating but truly remarkable journey.

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood:  bittersweet

o, the things i will miss

i should be packing and cleaning my apartment. but it's raining and i'm lazy. so, here are lists i've been compiling mentally and finally getting down in the blogosphere...

what i will NOT miss about shanghai:

- the awful air quality! pollution, pollution, pollution.
- "yellow plum season." aka "rainy season" aka "moldy time."
- pushing. shoving. spitting. cutting in lines. in other words - the masses practicing self-centeredness and total oblivion.
- terrible, terrible drivers. every man and woman for his/her self on the roads.
- strange identity of being an asian-american here - not fully american, not fully chinese. very tired of being the designated go-to person for servers whenever i'm out with non-chinese friends (even if these "waiguoren"/foreigner friends speak chinese fluently). definitely tired of having to explain why i'm american with a chinese face. immigration, people. c'mon!
 
what i will miss about shanghai:

- an amazing community of friends with vision, passion and authenticity. i have really, really been blessed.
- the folks in my neighborhood: the kind but gruff shanghainese men who work as the guards at my building, the sweet couple who run a vegetable stand at the local wet market, the two hilarious sisters who run a fruit stand with their family, my slightly forgetful and chatty cleaning lady ("ayi")....
- food. oh my goodness, the food.
- street food. i know this is really a subcategory of food but it deserves its own bullet point. really.
- chinese new year and fireworks!!!!
- motorcycle taxis!
- split pants. 9 years later, they still crack me up. (no pun intended)

i truly am going to miss this city. the labyrinth of streets winding through towers of metal and glass. noises that never cease from early morning until late, late night - squeaking of bike brakes, blare of car horns, loud bass booming from speakers balanced precariously on the back of motorcycles, sharp chatter of shanghainese (punctuated by the occasional yell and crescendo of argument).

i am going to miss the glitz and the glam, the swagger, the fantasy being lived in sharp contrast to heartbreaking realities. i am going to miss living in the obvious tension of this city - hopeful for all the potential that is good, learning to hold on to hope in the midst of all that is frustrating and unjust.
  
the past 9 years have gone beyond my meager expectations.... thanks, shanghai.

cups of coffee: 2

mood: sleepy

classifieds

in preparation for my move back across the pacific, i thankfully only have a few items to sell. my brother and sister-in-law are moving into my apartment, and they kindly decided to buy all my furniture and most of my appliances from me. which means i only have a handful of big things that need to be sold, namely a printer and a mini-trampoline.

while placing my items for sale on a popular classifieds site here, i couldn't help but read through the personal ads - this website has some of the funniest, most outlandish, but sadly real personals. here are a few that caught my eye:


It's raining and i am bored.
I like playing cards, you?
seek a tall and fun person.

(what exactly is the correlation between raining, playing cards and height...?)


I am a nice guy. I am bored and alone in Shanghai. I am normal.
Yet, I am lonely in Shanghai and would like to have an "exciting" conversation with someone.
If you are bored, and want some excitement, please feel free to give me a call AnyTime.We can have an "erotic" conversation if you like, or we can talk about the weather.

("erotic" or the weather. huh. "what are you wearing?" "boy, i wish it would stop raining already.")

I like to find a great girl/women who like to leave China together with me when I go back to Europe.

(hmmm.....i like europe....)

as funny as these ads are to read, they were penned by real people, individuals lonely and starving for love and connection in this massive city. i shouldn't forget that.

the hard thing about leaving a place isn't the packing. it isn't the purging of stuff and figuring out what to do with years of belongings amassed. it's the relationships, the people and community i've come to love and cherish. there aren't enough hours in a day to spend with these people i love, not enough words adequate to express my sincere appreciation for who they are, and all the hopes and blessings i am praying for them. all my articulations and gestures seem to fall short of what i really mean and what i wish i could put words to.

so i smile and hug, use words like "love", and hope that somehow, these dear friends feel the intangible deep from my heart.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  fare thee well.....

neighborhood

one month from today, i board a plane with a one-way ticket to america. 30 days to pack, sort, and tie up loose ends. 30 days to say good-bye to the city that has become my home.

i arrived in this city a young, idealistic, borderline-naive girl carrying large dreams and ambitious hopes of changing the world. i carried my presumptions and assumptions, tidy boxes of how i thought life, love and the world ought to be. all the challenges, joys, disappointments and victories of the past 9 years here have forced me to unpack those boxes and re-sort--really, redefine--all that i thought i knew. and i'm the wiser for it, i hope.

the past few weeks have been blasts from the past as visitors have trickled in as through a revolving door. friends who used to live in shanghai, friends who have made shanghai a frequent stop in their various travels....all folks who have come to love this city as much as i do, in all her complicated nuance.

though i'm excited about my upcoming move to another amazing city, i am going to miss shanghai dearly.

one of the top things i'll miss? my neighborhood. i love my neighborhood. i love the building guards who sit outside in lawn chairs on balmy evenings, smoking their cigarettes and chattering in sharp slices of shanghainese with the other tenants in my building. i love that they always ask, "are you going out?" as i hurry past them (usually running late for something), stating the obvious with concerned affection.

i love the fix-it man who comes to repair my lights and stove, stern except for his cheeky smirk, always giving me unsolicited fatherly advice.

i love the husband and wife duo who operate my favorite vegetable stand at the wet market on the corner. i love her gentle demeanor, his smiling but often fatigued face. i love that the wife and i trade recipes as we discuss how we prep and serve different vegetables. "do you fry this with garlic?" "no, i usually eat this raw." i love that they are always a bit aghast that i eat vegetables raw.

i love the street food vendors, working all hours of the morning and night, their gestures sure and memorized as they churn out soups and dumplings and delicious dan bing. i love chatting with them about their business that day, their hometowns and the television show they are usually watching as they work, hands swiftly moving while their eyes are fixated on the small flickering screen.

i love the people in my neighborhood. i confess that in the near-decade that i've lived here, i haven't always liked chinese people: the masses with their spitting and shoving, the masks of their apparent indifference, the nonchalant shrugs from customer service workers and the words "mei ban fa" (there's no way) rolling languidly from their lips without a thought...drives me mad.

but the peng you men (friends) in my neighborhood. oh, i will miss them dearly.


cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood: lazy

one-way

it's official!
just purchased a one-way ticket from shanghai back to america, departing on june 30.

let the countdown begin.....

cups of coffee:  1 with soymilk

mood:  whoa

take your journey

and so it seems change is right around the corner...

the past few months have consisted of mad galloping from one thing to another...and now it doesn't seem as if the gallop will cease. now i can count on one hand the number of months i have remaining in shanghai. now my mind is slowly imagining the rhythms of a new life.

it all seems very surreal and with so many other concerns at hand that need my attentiveness now, it is a struggle to focus and be fully present. i find my mind drifting almost every hour and i must grasp madly at my attention to keep it from floating away, as if i'm catching butterflies with an insufficient net.

besides living in new york, being close to family and wonderful friends, besides becoming a student again and soaking my brain in academia...what i'm most excited about is this sense of a natural, easy, unplanned flow of life, how one thing is leading to the next. i love stepping back and seeing how different threads are interweaving, and knowing that the threads still left hanging will someday be woven in as well. i didn't picture my life to be here. i would never have imagined i would be where i am today, never dreamed that i would embark on a career in the arts as a result of coming to china. i have planned and re-planned my future a million times, finally learning a couple of years ago to give my frantic mind a rest. i am learning how to listen.

this isn't to say that the worrywart side of me has disappeared or that the type-A northeast asian-american voice in me has quit. even as i wait for remaining pieces to fall into place, i fidget with slight anxiety and hesitation, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, for God to pull a cosmic prank on me. my inclination is to do - to move quickly, to take care of things, to wrap up and tidy up. God just doesn't move fast enough for me sometimes. but i am learning to wait - and trust!

the sovereignty of the Almighty and our free will - it's a funny thing how such paradoxical notions can actually co-exist quite harmoniously without mutual exclusivity. it's a funny thing how our life really is not our own yet we are also called to steward and govern our lives well. we are responsible for these precious days.

at the IAM encounter, dana gioia quoted, "traveler, there is no road - only walking." and then he added, "take your journey seriously!"

we are not destined to tread down some path like we're walking off a pirate ship's plank; we have been called to undertake a journey with a glorious Guide. and what a wonderful journey it is!


cups of coffee: 3 (stupid jetlag)

mood:  comfy