a couple of quotes currently simmering and stewing in my brain. add a pinch of ponder and dash of dialogue, enjoy.
"Possible things are easy to believe. The Glorious Impossibles are those things that bring joy to our hearts, hope to our lives, songs to our lips." - Madeleine L'Engle, The Glorious Impossible
"Our creativity will be called for and we will find a divine wind at our back whenever we discover a place where current horizons deprive people of their full humanity." - Andy Crouch, Culture Making
i am the worst at resting. the worst. i took today off because i'm starting to get sick (and i cannot afford to be sick right now), and though i did manage to sleep a few more hours than my norm, i've also been busying myself with errands (i ran out of cat food and cannot bear to see jimmy hungry) and responding to emails. and blogging, obviously.
i like to think my restless and impatient nature stems from my chinese ethnicity. the chinese are not patient people, despite possessing that placid asian visage. the japanese are zen. the koreans are smiley. the chinese are impatient.
at least they are in shanghai. my maternal grandmother hailed from these parts, so i'd like to think that somehow, the frenetic nature of this city is intertwined in the strands of my DNA.
if you've ever waited in line with chinese people or been on a plane with them, you know exactly what i'm talking about. case in point: last night, on my flight from beijing, i shared a row with a chinese woman who looked to be in her 40's. with her hair in a sleek updo, she was swathed in a furry black coat (more faux than au naturel) and dangling a shiny black bag from her well-manicured hands. she spent the better part of the nearly two-hour flight curled up near the window asleep, but as soon as the wheels hit the airport tarmac in shanghai, she was awake, alert and suddenly in a hurry. only on flights with chinese passengers do i find that the majority of the plane is unbuckled and hefting bags out of the overhead compartments before the plane has even rolled up to the gate.
as our plane finally halted last night, this woman sprang up and started pushing towards the aisle, and my presence between her and freedom was an obvious impediment. that and the fact the aisle was already full of people who were all rearing to go. i waited for her to make eye contact and then said in chinese, "just wait a minute. no need to be in such a hurry!" and then in exasperated english, "give me a break!"
i know that last bit in english was unnecessary. it's just so frustrating to be constantly jostled and pushed because everyone around you is in some inexplicable hurry even if the line is going nowhere.
but before i get too comfortable in my judgment seat, i realize that i'm every bit as guilty in my impatience as the chinese masses. i may not elbow people in scrambling for a seat on the subway, but my reaction to being elbowed is often devoid of patience and graciousness. i treat minor inconveniences and interruptions to my schedule as if it's the end of the world. i rush from one thing to another, rarely taking time to just be in the moment and savor the experience.
if life were like one giant airplane, i suppose i would be like that chinese woman, missing out on most of it and then suddenly in a hurry to get to the next thing. and if we're not enjoying the ride, then what's the point?
just returned to shanghai after a packed weekend trip to beijing. on sunday, our gallery participated in 'the gift' charity bazaar, put on by friends from "stage one productions", a start-up events production company. artists, boutique stores and galleries set up tables to sell their wares while donating a portion of their proceeds to an NGO of their choice. we were able to sell some pieces from our functional ceramics collection (and even one small glass piece!) and donate 10% of our earnings that day to bethel, a non-profit orphanage and training center for blind orphans in china.
there were some amazing vendors represented at the bazaar, and it was very exciting to meet folks and hear more about what they do. i am constantly impressed by the people i come across in china doing inspiring, excellent work. i had the chance to find out more about starfish project(and buy some earrings!) and witness the launch of short+savage, started by a couple of friends. i love my friend matt's t-shirt designs - thoughtful, edgy, and just plain well-done. here's the design of the t-shirt i purchased from "short+savage"-- a modern day take on the "5 loaves plus 2 fish":
seeing the exciting work that other folks are doing always fills me with inspiration and, i admit it, a twinge of envy. i know the grass is always greener somewhere else, but i still get a bit restless and impatient when i hear of other projects that i'm dying to roll up my sleeves and dig into. there is so much GOOD that can be done and is being done....and i want to be involved with it all.
at these moments, i suppose i also wonder if i am at the best place of intersection of my talents, skills and passion. are there other positions and projects that i'd be better suited for than my current station? how do i know my calling isn't elsewhere? and then the spiral of questions and restlessness begins.....
the past couple of months have been rough. a lot of work, very little play. feeling at the end of my rope in various capacities, knowing i need to pause, pray and breathe but also feeling too busy to do that (which is all the more reason to make time).
before flying back to shanghai today, i had a terrific lunch with jamie (adjunct curator with the hammer museum). he had some wonderful insight on both the professional and personal levels, good food for thought that i'm slowly chewing. i know i feel a bit lost lately, like i'm in some cobweb of confusion. not to be confused with a "glass case of emotion."
cups of coffee: 2
mood: achy, tired...please don't be the f-l-u.....
boston is lovely in the fall. the air is crisp enough to require a fuzzy scarf or lined jacket but your fingers and toes still wiggle with comfortable delight. the sky is blue--a beautiful plane of blue, speckled occasionally with white puffs of clouds, but mostly just wonderful blue. the sun beats warmly on your back and all around, you are surrounded by bursts of foliage, explosions of reds and golds that cling to tree branches. they seem almost in motion---brilliantly colorful plumage caught by the gnarled fingers of trees, swaying as if in celebration or just exuberant greeting. it's hard not to smile and be thankful for every breath of air, every movement in your being in the presence of such beauty. :)
two weekends ago, i traveled to my favorite ceramics city, jingdezhen, for a mini-music festival and ceramics fair. my first visit to jingdezhen was a year ago, and i blogged about it here. lovely weather, lovely people, and of course, beautiful music and art. though i did a fair share of running around to meet and visit with artists, there was enough beauty and respite for the soul that the time proved to be refreshing as well. a few images from the trip:
front row fans at the music festival
chelsea and i with our favorite inner mongolian bluegrass musicians, tom and jerry
fun ceramic figures by an artist we work with
a couple of rockstars :)
this past weekend, i spent three days in beijing. i traveled up mainly to speak to a group of christian chinese artists and to attend an event called 'illume', which can be best described as a performance of multi-disciplinary arts built around a theme. the performance i saw included drama (in english and chinese), dance and music. my favorite segment was a live, spontaneous, synergetic performance of music and painting. the theme for the evening was "smell and taste" (the "illume" series had been working through the five senses), and for this segment, the three painters and one yangqin player were given blind taste tests of various foods. they then had to create art simultaenously inspired by the flavor and also by the work being created by one another. creative and amazing to watch!
i also had a mix of other meetings including lunch with james elaine, a friend and adjunct curator of the hammer museum currently studying and working in china, and jonathan hursh from compassion for migrant children, an organization that seeks to improve the education and social conditions for migrant children in china's urban centers. my meeting with jonathan was very encouraging - lots of exciting collaborative projects coming up!
also had some time to see some friends and relax in the city a bit. i have to confess, i am slowly falling in love with beijing despite being a proud shanghailander. there is an enjoyable comfort and, how should i say, "normalcy" to life in beijing, particularly post-olympics.
a mysterious smoking mushroom...ok, it was just a steam vent but i thought it was very creative. and that steam is HOT--practically burned my neck getting this photo.
hanging out with daniel
next on the schedule: america! taking off for the states this sunday - 10 days in boston, one quick trip to nyc....let the madness continue. :)
on october 14, 2009, my brother surprised his girlfriend with a path of rose petals, a gorgeous bouquet of red roses, a bended knee and a brilliant, beautiful, bling-o-riffic diamond ring. CONGRATULATIONS, PETER AND LISA!
i am absolutely ecstatic for them and excited to be getting a sister(in-law). they are a wonderful, lovely, fun couple. i'm so thankful that i could share an apartment with my brother this past year and a half and experience the great privilege of watching their relationship develop. and i think having a female flatmate hopefully prepared my brother for this next step and this long-term female roommate he's getting.... :)
recent events from this past week have caused me to think more deeply on the concept of empathy, a sorely lacking trait in china's culture. i understand why it's not a pillar in chinese virtues: a modern history filled with turmoil and uprisings, revolutionary change that the older generation still remembers, emphasis on blood relations and the importance of guanxi (relationship), deep-seated self-preservation and distrust... it all culminates to create an environment not entirely conducive to developing empathy.
but i strongly believe empathy can be taught--the question is how. i don't think it's a discipline whereby you follow certain guidelines and action points and voila!--empathy attained. it requires a willingness to shift in perspective, an ability to mentally and emotionally put yourself in someone else's shoes, to sift through all the trappings of "me" to the foundation of "us"--to recognize what it means to be universally human and to realize that the circumstances and emotions in another person's life can very well happen to you.
the problem is that we're all so deeply self-centered. we are all so grossly entrenched in our own hurts, fears and insecurities that there is no room for others unless we learn to make room.
i had to confront a member of my staff this week about something she said that another member of my staff (both chinese) found offensive and hurtful. her simple statement, though in its essence true, was said at the wrong time and in the wrong fashion, thereby angering the person the statement was directed to. as i talked to her about this incident, her initial response was defensive, and understandably so. she immediately argued that she was right, that what she had stated to the other staff was indeed factual. i concurred but then asked her to consider the statement from the other person's perspective, how hearing that statement in a certain situation would alter the perception.
it was a frustrating conversation in which i had to slowly build the case for empathy. at the end, she agreed to apologize to the other staff for her statement, but then immediately turned the situation onto herself and how wretched she is as a person. the situation went from self-defense to self-deprecation in a matter of minutes. so then i had to slowly and patiently encourage her to differentiate between mistakes we make and our entire identity as a 'bad' person.
and i suppose that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? we are all too busy justifying ourselves or tearing ourselves down once our ego suffers an intolerable blow. what we need is to somehow be lifted up out of the mire, rescued from the quicksand of self-absorption. the way i often picture it is unzipping the layer of me and being able to step out with ease.
i think saint augustine summed it up well in his prayer:
O Lord our God, grant us to trust in Your overshadowing wings: protect us beneath them and bear us up. You will carry us as little children, and even to our grey-headed age You will carry us still. When You are our strong security, that is strength indeed, but when our security is in ourselves, that is but weakness.
i started this poem a few days ago while reflecting on what the heck i'm doing in china. finished yesterday on a lovely, sunny autumn afternoon while sipping a mango frappucino. :)
I Did Not Come Here for the Food
I did not come here for the food
though the delicacies are delightful:
translucent skins, globs of steamed meat
that playfully squirt you with a stream of juice and fat.
the people's republic of china celebrated its 60th birthday with a parade strutting a whole lotta pomp in beijing. from president hu jintao's review of every military unit and piece of machinery the country had to boast to floats representing every province to hundreds of thousands of volunteers waving flags and bouquets of flowers, it was, in the words of "moulin rouge", "spectacular, spectacular."
good friend grace hosted a parade-watching brunch at her place, and our eyes were fixed on the tv while spouting the occasional comment made in awe and quip made in jest. it is mind-boggling to think of the changes that have happened in this nation in just 60 years. as i was watching the parade, reflecting on my own 7+ years here, it reminded me of all the things i love and detest about this place.
i don't think i've become more chinese since moving here. i would say i have a greater understanding of chinese culture, more awareness of the historical and social influences that have shaped this country, better tolerance (on some days) of the contrasts and differences that co-exist in daily life here. i still often feel like an outsider, knowing that both the dna and history of this place course through my veins yet feeling very removed from it all.
i've been working on a new poem recently entitled "i didn't come here for the food." it's basically a reflection on all the reasons that i am NOT here for. and it's driving me to consider what i am here for and why i stay.
this article from 'the curator', IAM's web publication, inspired me to consider the liturgy of my own neighborhood. living in a city as chaotic and overwhelming as shanghai, it's those small practiced patterns, those pockets of haven found in the nooks and crannies of crowded streets, that allow us to not only maintain sanity but see the beauty and often-hard-to-find tranquility in the city. i think the author best sums it up here:
"Urbanites seek refuge from the traffic and workweek cacophony, and our activities are almost unconscious liturgical repetitions. We work with our hands in our home or in an office, completing similar tasks over and over again. We frequent our favorite places to eat, drink, and refuel. We are created to gravitate to rhythm, order, beauty, and our incarnational five senses. Or perhaps we rebel against these forces, our fallen dance." (Simmons)
my apartment sits above a busy street, an intersection frequently marked by construction and traffic jams. but it's a nice jaunt across an overpass and a quick stroll to the french concession, hands-down my favorite area in this city. there are certain spots i retreat to, rituals of rest and restoration that have become part of my liturgy for this neighborhood. coffee tree is my office away from the office. tucked away in quaint ferguson lane, this quiet cafe with soothing music and big windows induces a certain industriousness in me whenever i decide to work from there. i think something about their ginger tea actually makes me more productive! plus there is also an adorable decor store and wonderful gallery in the same lane, for when i need a break.
going to jz club to catch some good live jazz has been a long-time ritual for me. having gotten to know many of the musicians through their performances at our gallery, it's nice to go and catch a show where i'm not working or having to be "on" to receive guests. jz is almost always on my itinerary for when i am hosting out-of-town visitors--it's a nice respite from the glitter-and-glam and bump-and-thump of the usual shanghai nightlife.
for beers on the patio and the occasional indulgence in a fatty cheeseburger, boxing cat brewery has become my favorite spot. this is one practice that i try not to partake too much in...
a new addition to my neighborhood liturgy is yoga 109, a boutique-style yoga studio hidden behind a parking lot on fuxing road. i love yoga and it's nice returning to it after too long of a hiatus. the classes are small, the instructor is friendly, and it's only a 15 to 20-minute walk from my apartment.
and there is of course, just ambling about the tree-lined streets, dreaming of renovating old lane houses and peeking in store windows--often medicine enough for the soul. there is a greater sense of rhythm and continuity in these older, more residential neighborhoods: watching old men play chess in the parks, listening to the women laugh and gossip as they sit on benches, fanning themselves... it's almost as if you can feel the methodical movements of life being carved out in this city. i suppose we need this sort of liturgy of life for our own peace of minds, but perhaps it's also to know we matter, that our existence makes some sort of imprint in this sea of millions. as we seek and participate in things that are good and beautiful, perhaps we long to be part of an enduring goodness and beauty as well, weaving our own lives into the life of the city, transcending the concrete and steel to build something more permanent.
in turning 29 + 2 today, i realized that inside, i'm still just a big kid. and there are things that will always hold true for me, no matter how much experience, maturity or knowledge i gain through the years. par exemple:
- the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking will always be my favorite
- given the choice and the ability, if i could be anything in the world, i'd want to be a mermaid
- where there's music, there's gotta be dancing
- a grassy hill demands a nice roll or two down it
- running barefoot by the ocean will always make me happy
- there is always a story to be told and an adventure to be had
- i'm never too old to hug and kiss mom and dad, even in public
- there is always a happy ending, it's just a question of when it happens
on another note, following up on my previous movies post is this article in paste magazine about the enduring popularity of 'where the wild things are'. my favorite bit at the end of this well-written piece:
But Where the Wild Things Are has something these other books don’t have. A great secret. And here’s why it endures: Wild Things is not really a children’s book.
Oh, children unquestionably love Wild Things—what child wouldn’t gobble up a tale where the hero gets it all? Max chases the dog with a fork, threatens to eat his mom. When punished, he fantasizes an anger so profound, a vengeance so monumental, that it flattens all in its path. The most fearsome adversaries bow and scrape before his wrath. He inflicts an eyeball-to-eyeball humbling on the poor woolly behemoths … Hah! You’re not so big and bad after all, are you, my pussycats?
And then? Once Max’s anger is slaked, once love and loneliness begin to fill his heart again—why, he comes back home.
Don’t we all want that? HE FOUND his supper waiting for him and it was still hot.
Well done, Max. You have your cake and rumpus, too. You got it all.
Where the Wild Things Are gives mom and dad a book that fully acknowledges the catharsis of anger and the wondrous healing power of imagination. It also shows that discipline is a requirement, even as it gives parents a way to show a child that discipline is love, too.
Even better, after misbehavior and punishment, when regret and loneliness are the last embers glowing in the black ashes of anger, when a child misses mom or dad and wants to come home, he always can.
Unconditional love reels Max back.
It’s better than any wild rumpus could ever be.
And it’s not just children who crave that promise. It’s their parents, and those hipsters, too—anyone who once was a child. It’s everyone, it’s all of us.
that's the story of the gospel itself, isn't it? we are creatures of rage and vengeance, blinded by our own desires and driven by our anger and selfishness, yet at the end of the day, we are all just scared, lonely children, desperate to be loved and longing so much to come home. and we are given the opportunity, welcomed by a heavenly Father who disciplines us but also loves us with a love that covers and heals. beautiful.
cups of coffee: 1, accompanying the nice breakfast my brother made for my birthday!
films currently on my must-see list....coming to a theater (or dvd vendor, in china's case) near you!
inglorious basterds - new little ditty from quentin tarantino. i've been hearing rave reviews from friends about this--one already saw it twice. brad pitt looks brilliant in this. where the wild things are - this looks simply amazing from every vantage. i love director spike jonze's style, and the soundtrack promises to be pitch-perfect. i remember the monsters in the book from my childhood days to be a bit scary, but they look like cuddly bear-dogs in the film with wonderfully human attributes.
bright star - love story between poet john keats and fanny brawne. the passion in this film is contained in the language--poetic ecstasies, well-versed declarations of burning devotion and trascendence and so forth. the english literature major in me is getting giddy just thinking about it. alice in wonderland - big fan of the tim burton, johnny depp and helen bonham-carter triad. this film looks like sheer creative genius, though definitely not a version of 'alice' for the kiddies.
whip it - last but not least, a fun film for girls' night. ellen page stars as a beauty pageant reject who finds herself by joining a rowdy all-girl roller derby team. drew barrymore directs and stars in it.
ah.....looking forward to staying in and getting cozy in the cold, damp shanghai winter nights coming up......
so i started the day with a skype call....for work. i know, i know, but i'd already schedule it a week ago and it was hard to coordinate with the time difference and all. and then i proceeded to spend the rest of the morning firing off a string of work-related emails.
i did manage to take a nap, though, and do some grocery shopping. thinking of whipping up scallops with white wine sauce over linguine tonight....mmmmm....
and now i'm indulging in one of my favorite pastimes, browing design blogs for lovely things that i would love to own. this is window shopping in the 21st century!
i'm not too old to use this, right? (images from eggpress.com)
these plates are amazing. from ceramist marge margulies, based in california.
this series, entitled "eclipse", is my favorite. her work pops with color and moves with gentle fluidity. there is not an awkward line in the composition of her delightful dishes. (image from artist's website)
here's another lovely plate from "a plate a day" blog. they literally post a plate per day. i love how elegant and modern this plate from the "elements" series is. (image from "a plate a day")
last but not least, a little goody from threadless.com, home of ingenious t-shirt designs:
"If any one would tell you the shortest, surest way to all happiness, and all perfection, he must tell you to make a rule to yourself, to thank and praise God for everything that happens to you. For it is certain that whatever seeming calamity happens to you, if you thank and praise God for it, you turn it into a blessing."
art week in shanghai is over. a full week of exhibit openings, receptions, parties, work.....whew!
both the sh contemporary and shanghai art fair were smaller this year (many international galleries were wary of participating with the global economic recession), and i found both shows okay on the whole.
here are a few images of artworks i particularly liked:
at shanghai art fair: paintings done by a japanese artist (i forget the name), represented by bund66 art gallery. meticulous and beautiful. tiny chairs, silver squares, houses and ladders, painted umpteenth times and accumulating in beautiful swirls that seem to rise straight out of the canvas. simultaneously serene and striking.
here's a close-up of two larger paintings. i love the silver one on the left!
at sh contemporary. cool installation!
i was so pleasantly surprised to see this! an exhibit containing a few contemporary tapestries from 'banners of persuasion,' which i had read about just a couple of months ago. these tapestries were presented by james cohan gallery at sh contemporary. i love tapestries and am extremely envious of anyone with stitching skills because i can barely sew a button and my attempts at embroidery are nothing short of atrocious.
such a jarring image from the tapestries exhibit.... 'a warm summer evening in 1863' by kara walker
LOTS of thoughts from the art fair experience, especially in dealing with the chinese masses who are still developing art appreciation and a sense of aesthetics, but too tired to process. more later....
(alternate title: do i own the cat or does he own me?)
you--a streak of striped ginger fur tearing through the rooms with soft-pawed gallop, hiding beneath beds and tables, pouncing forth to sneak a lick from my yogurt cup or flash a claw across my badly-shredded couch.
you meow and purr and chirp, perhaps relating to me the state of your litterbox and how you demand a more thorough cleaning, or how you find the new flavor of cat food a bit lacking in salmon.
maybe you are trying to tell me about the scenes outside the window-- that strange world beyond the thick pane of glass-- the screeching and yelling, horns blaring, thunder rolling, a world of shifting shapes and patches of light.
but mostly you attack specks of dust with the agility and prowess of your feral relatives, tapping into some primordial instinct to hunt-- and survive-- before you yawn and stretch, and lay down, all limbs akimbo, to worship the sun with your tummy up, dreaming of chasing spots of light that bounce and float in endless space.
the shanghai art fair opens to the public today! our gallery is participating for the first time, more info here. wish us luck!
my birthday is coming up! i love good food and wine, so usually each year, i look forward to celebrating my birthday by feasting and toasting with beloved friends. but this year, i wanted to do something different. after the "shanghai glam" bash of last year, it was hard to think of how to top that.
and then i found out about charity:water's "born in september" campaign. founded by scott harrison, a former club and party promoter in nyc, charity:water is a non-profit based in nyc with one clear mission: to provide safe and clean drinking water for communities in developing countries who currently do not have access. harrison started by hosting a birthday party in september three years ago and instead of gifts, asked his guests to bring $20 as a donation. since then, charity:water has grown and raised over $7 million and funded 1,247 water projects. they track their projects meticulously, and you can even view the projects via google earth.
their "born in september" campaign asks september babies (such as yours truly) to "give up" their birthdays. instead of blowing their money, and their friends' money, on dinners and drinks out and nice gifts, they are being challenged to give that money to a water project fund instead. and that is exactly what i'm asking for my birthday this year.
i've set up my own page and am asking all my friends and family to donate $31 (because i'm turning 31 this year) to mycharity:water. here's the link.
i definitely don't need more stuff, and i can't think of a better way to celebrate the overflowing goodness in my life than to channel that overflow to touch the lives of those in need.
something harrison says in his personal story on the organization's website really struck a chord with me. i cannot retell it any better, so here it is in his own words:
"For me, charity is practical. It's sometimes easy, more often inconvenient, but always necessary. It's the ability to use one's position of influence, relative wealth and power to affect lives for the better. charity is singular and achievable.
There's a biblical parable about a man beaten near death by robbers. He's stripped naked and lying roadside. Most people pass him by, but one man stops. He picks him up and bandages his wounds. He puts him on his horse and walks alongside until they reach an inn. He checks him in and throws down his Amex. "Whatever he needs until he gets better."
All those passing by could have helped, but only one did. Only one had compassion.
The dictionary defines charity as simply the act of giving voluntarily to those in need. It's taken from the word "caritas," or simply, love. In Colossians 3, the Bible instructs readers to "put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness."
Although I'm still not sure what that means, I love the idea. To wear charity."
i am a craft person wannabe. i was not, however, blessed with the skills of an artisan--if anything, i have the opposite of the midas touch. things i touch seem to break and fall apart--memories of junior high technology "shop" class still haunt me. it's a miracle i didn't lose any fingers using the band saw and my only remaining injury is a scar on my right middle knuckle from a glue gun incident gone awry. i don't like to follow directions and i have little patience. and honestly, i'm really sloppy when it comes to arts and crafts: i was that kid in art class with paint in her hair and elmer's glue on her cheeks.
but i absolutely LOVE handmade goods and really, really like pretty things. and to top it off, i currently work at a gallery that exhibits contemporary craft art in glass, ceramic, lacquer and metals.
all this makes me itchin' to create something artsy. while i'm searching for my artisan calling, i spend plenty of time perusing handmade craft sites, drooling over the creative fruit of other people's labor. here are a few recent finds that i'm lovin':
artfire.com: promotes handmade items from around the world. lots of fun jewelry including this beautiful wood and resin bracelet...
world of handmade: a central site with links to the most popular craft sites and blogs. you can get absolutely lost here!
and a little shoutout to some friends who started their own handmade baby carriers business...
bao bei baby carriers: beautiful, original baby carriers and slings, handy and hip. makes me (almost) want a baby just so i can use one of these! :) part of their sale proceeds goes to the baobei foundation, which provides for surgeries and aftercare for orphans throughout china.
here's to finding my artisan calling soon. in the meantime, happy to support others who are gifted.
i just found out via twitter today that the last polaroid cameras and film are to be sold at urban outfitters until stock runs out. link here...
if i were in the states right now, i would literally go to every urban outfitters i could get to and buy every pack of film i could get my hands on.
the death of polaroid signifies the death of an era. no sleek, fancy digital camera will ever take the place of the clunky polaroid...the push of that one button, the click of the shutter and whirl as the photo spat out, the satisfying slide and lock of loading a new tray of film. my childhood is filled with memories of snapping away happily at grass, sky, trees and friends, waving the small square of film in my hands in eager anticipation as images mysteriously sharpened in their appearance. i'll miss the milky consistency of the photos, that slight blurry effect as if you're viewing the world in a dream-like state. i loved the instant satisfaction of seeing the photo you just took but always tinged with that element of surprise as to how the image will actually turn out.
i still remember science fair in junior high and charting the growth progress of my plants (hydroponics vs. soil culture) with the help of my pink polaroid. those images of lean green sprouts unfurling from glass bottles, silhouetted by a soft white light, helped me win third place.
i still have a polaroid camera here in shanghai and one precious pack of film left. i will have to sparingly use these remaining shots on polaroid-worthy photo opps.
fare thee well, polaroid, how i will miss thee......
city weekend is a magazine (in english) geared towards expatriates living in china. the articles revolve around social events, restaurant reviews, clubs and bars--you know, hard-hitting news. their back page always highlights someone in the community who has an "interesting job" by recounting a day in their life. one issue in june featured my good friend grace, who runs a consultancy for non-profits in china called social venture group.
one of the issues this month features yours truly. :) link here!
as i was thinking through what exactly i do in a day for the article (and to be honest, i compiled probably three days into one--three of the most interesting days i've had, no less), i realized that i really do love my job and my life here. not a new revelation, but always an assuring one to have especially when i'm experiencing restlessness.
i have a case of "itchy feet" lately, as i like to call it. no, it's not athlete's foot (before any of you start emailing me medical advice) but more a case of a restless, fidgety spirit. a heart (and feet) that itch to travel and explore and be anywhere but here.
there's nothing truly that bad about my life here. if anything, it's simply amazing and i'm astounded each day that i get to be here, doing what i do, surrounded by the friends i'm beyond blessed to have. but as i stare at my 8th-year-in-shanghai in the face (yeeps), i can't help but daydream about other jobs i'd like to try, things i'd like to learn, places i'd to visit or live in....
maybe the problem isn't feeling restless in shanghai; it's just simply feeling restless in life, stuck in this mortal shell on this temporal planet. no matter where i go and what i do, i will never be truly satisfied. and i have to be okay with that.
i think being content in the Lord is not the same as being content with life. perhaps that slight friction and feeling of dissatisfaction is good--keeps me in pursuit of the right things (the right person--God, for that matter), enables me to hold life and all its precious gifts loosely in my hands, reminds me that i am a sojourner and to live as if i'm on my way home, not home already.
maybe in the eternal timeline, whatever i have on this earth--be it 70, 80, or 90 years--will be a blink in the cosmos, a "day in the life" so to speak in eternity. and maybe at that point, when i look back, i'll chuckle or simply shake my head at the things that seemed so daunting at the time, the worries that fretted away my days and years.
just the other day (staring out the bus window as usual) i was thinking about what a soundtrack for my life would sound like. i tend to gravitate towards two types of music: 1) mellow, moody, folksy rock with soothing harmonies, girl-and-guy-duo, soft voices and deep lyrics and 2) loud, thumping, turn-the-bass-up-and-jump-around-your-room dance music. music that makes you move really strikes a chord (ha ha, punny) with me; either it gets me physically moving with hard-to-resist beats, or it gets me to move metaphorically in some kind of meditative philosophical way through a tune and lyrics swollen with meaning and profundity.
and then, of course, there are those songs attached to specific memories, conjuring certain feelings and recollections no matter where you are or what you are doing.
so. here's my attempt at compiling a soundtrack for my life (thus far):
"girls just wanna have fun" - cyndi lauper "brick house" - commodores "a little respect" - erasure "always be my baby" - mariah carey (yes....i admit it.....) "mo money, mo problems" - mase, puff daddy and the notorious b.i.g. "city of blinding lights" - U2 "heavenly day" - patty griffin "keep the river on your right" - jake armerding "chicago" - sufjan stevens "viva la vida" - coldplay "electric feel" - MGMT "i'm in the middle of it" - waterdeep "happiness" - the weepies "heartbeats" - jose gonzalez "100 years" - five for fighting "ara batur" - sigur ros "gang kou (harbor)" - jasmine chen "oh happy day" - the sister act 2 version :)
perhaps it's the incessant rain. or the letdown after a month-long high of traipsing around china with dear friends. perhaps it's the return to a suffocating city after weeks of glorious open spaces and open skies. whatever the cause, i've been moving slower the past few days, lethargic in body, mind and spirit. today was my first day back at work, and though inundated with a gazillion things-to-do, i felt as if i were moving in slow motion, trying to synchronize swim in a pool of gelatin.
summers in shanghai are like a revolving door, and you never return to the same city. buildings that have stood as long as you can remember are suddenly demolished. dear friends who've become central to your social life and overall well-being move and leave the country. strangers who've just unpacked their suitcases, ready for whatever shanghai is ready to dish out, greet you with the same curiosity you possess as you size them up and down: will you be a friend this year?
such is life, and i've grown accustomed to it...i suppose.
trudging home in the rain, i rode the bus and stared out the window, engaging in one of my favorite pastimes: listening to my ipod while observing street scenes. it's like having a soundtrack to life. as i watched old couples shuffle down the sidewalks and young people huddle under umbrellas at the bus stops, death cab for cutie's simple, poignant and haunting "i will follow you into the dark" played through my earphones. it was a melancholic, pitch-perfect moment.
24 days, 5 cities, 1 mountaintop village, 4 flights, 1 26-hour train ride with no air conditioning, 1 hot air balloon, 1 kayaking trip, 1 epic karaoke night, 1 night in the mongolian grasslands, 1 frolic through a desert, 1 crazy chinese wedding, countless toasts with glasses of bai jiu (chinese distilled liquor with 80-120 proof), and 11 amazing friends (old and new) who joined for various legs of the trip....thus ends the great china summer tour 0f 2009. i took this holiday with some of my closest friends from shanghai, and it was the last hurrah for a good friend and colleague who is moving back to england.
lots of thoughts on journeys, friendships, china, beauty, culture and all that. but for now, some favorite images from the great tour. :)
swimming in yangshuo....ahhhhh.......
sportin' our new do-rags
enjoying the view from our hot air balloon
big group dinner - last night in yangshuo!
"mary" and "minnie", two adorable girls we met in gengda, sichuan province
i was never really into cats until little jimmy mcnulty came meowing into my life. but through this little furball that tears up my couch and tears through the apartment in a streak of ginger, i am learning about grace and care, sacrifice and love, in fresh ways.
i know, i know, he's just a cat. but sometimes, the unconditional love from a kitten makes everything better.
there's a poignant blog entry by daniel siedell about the death of his cat, sasha, after 20 years. it's a thoughtful reflection, deeper than mourning the loss of a pet. this observation by siedell particularly struck me:
I find that hope in the contours and trajectory of the Scriptures, which reveal the limitless surprises of God's grace. And I am heartened that it caught C.S. Lewis's attention as well, whose love of his life, Joy, had a house full of cats. Here is what he suggests. The very reason for creation itself is the overflowing of love that sloshes over the limits of the Trinitarian relationship of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The world is brought into this relationship, borne out of and sustained by divine love through the incarnation of the Son. It is God's love that saves. And Lewis speculates that it might be our love that saves the animals, namely, those domesticated animals that are the beneficiaries of our Christ-centered love. Our pets, Lewis suggests, grow into something more as they participate in our love, a love grounded in and through God's love, which is Christ. And that love, because it is God-like, is life-creating. And so, perhaps when Christ returns, and, according to Revelation of St. John, "makes all things new," animals who have been shaped in and through this human love will participate in what is made new. (Siedell)
the limitless surprises of God's grace...love that sloshes over..... i love that imagery. perhaps it may be wishful thinking to hope that our beloved pets will frolic in heaven. but what is certain is the boundless grace of God, the ways in which His love manifests in creation, touching our hearts and opening our eyes to His goodness daily. whether it is through His provisions, family and friends, or the purring of a kitty content in your lap, His grace is constantly sufficient as He continues to use all things to shape and mold our hardened hearts into the pumping, bleeding, living things He created and intended.
every once in awhile, i find things that i'm really into. by "into" i mean obsessed. so here are my current fixations:
- twitter! grace convinced me to join twitter, and now i'm seriously addicted. i may need twitter-vention soon. until then, here are some of my favorites-to-follow on twitter:
- design*sponge! yummy, yummy design. did i mention yummy?
- city journal. a friend emailed me an article entitled 'beauty and desecration' by roger scruton, published in city journal. this led to my discovery of this fascinating publication focused on urban affairs. currently in the midst of devouring articles....
- mates of state. husband and wife indie rock duo, traveling around with their kids and playing awesome music. sigh.....my dream life. i love the song 'fraud in the '80s'.
- nectarine season!!!!!! there's a grilled chicken and nectarine salad recipe i'm dying to try....
“The grace of God means something like this: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It’s for you I created the universe. I love you. There’s only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you’ll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”
ah, spring. when a young man (and woman) turn thoughts to love. seems like everyone around me is twitterpated. whether it's the budding of new relationships or the celebration of weddings, the joy is infectious.
there are also friends who are in the throes of ending relationships--dating break-ups, divorces.... such is life, i suppose.
i wrote this poem a couple of years ago and have since shared it with friends mourning the loss of a relationship. at the time that i penned it, it was a declaration as much as a reminder that life is an unfolding story, each chapter unpredictable and each season filled with surprises. underpinning the ups and downs is a love that sustains, bigger than what our imaginations can hold and more gracious than what our hearts can comprehend. as sandra mccracken so deftly puts it in one of her latest songs, "love is an ocean trying to fill this tiny cup."
anyway. here 'tis:
love will come
when you are sleeping, eyes closed
dreaming of hills and vales and pink sunsets,
the edges tinged and singed with a constant glow.
love will come
when charting your course,
eyes turned heavenwards,
pleading the stars for benevolent direction,
plotting, plodding.
love will come
when your heart in shards and tears
lie scattered
and your eyes laden with regrets
sway with desperate solace.
love will come and come again,
whispering and growing,
thrilling and comforting,
the pain and the ecstasy rolled in one giant ball of knotted hope
