empathy vs. me-pathy

recent events from this past week have caused me to think more deeply on the concept of empathy, a sorely lacking trait in china's culture. i understand why it's not a pillar in chinese virtues: a modern history filled with turmoil and uprisings, revolutionary change that the older generation still remembers, emphasis on blood relations and the importance of guanxi (relationship), deep-seated self-preservation and distrust... it all culminates to create an environment not entirely conducive to developing empathy.

but i strongly believe empathy can be taught--the question is how. i don't think it's a discipline whereby you follow certain guidelines and action points and voila!--empathy attained. it requires a willingness to shift in perspective, an ability to mentally and emotionally put yourself in someone else's shoes, to sift through all the trappings of "me" to the foundation of "us"--to recognize what it means to be universally human and to realize that the circumstances and emotions in another person's life can very well happen to you.

the problem is that we're all so deeply self-centered. we are all so grossly entrenched in our own hurts, fears and insecurities that there is no room for others unless we learn to make room.

i had to confront a member of my staff this week about something she said that another member of my staff (both chinese) found offensive and hurtful. her simple statement, though in its essence true, was said at the wrong time and in the wrong fashion, thereby angering the person the statement was directed to. as i talked to her about this incident, her initial response was defensive, and understandably so. she immediately argued that she was right, that what she had stated to the other staff was indeed factual. i concurred but then asked her to consider the statement from the other person's perspective, how hearing that statement in a certain situation would alter the perception.

it was a frustrating conversation in which i had to slowly build the case for empathy. at the end, she agreed to apologize to the other staff for her statement, but then immediately turned the situation onto herself and how wretched she is as a person. the situation went from self-defense to self-deprecation in a matter of minutes. so then i had to slowly and patiently encourage her to differentiate between mistakes we make and our entire identity as a 'bad' person.

and i suppose that's the crux of the problem, isn't it? we are all too busy justifying ourselves or tearing ourselves down once our ego suffers an intolerable blow. what we need is to somehow be lifted up out of the mire, rescued from the quicksand of self-absorption. the way i often picture it is unzipping the layer of me and being able to step out with ease.

i think saint augustine summed it up well in his prayer:

O Lord our God,
grant us to trust in Your overshadowing wings:
protect us beneath them and bear us up.
You will carry us as little children,
and even to our grey-headed age You will carry us still.
When You are our strong security, that is strength indeed,
but when our security is in ourselves, that is but weakness.

cups of coffee: 1

mood: pensive

restoration

i've always wondered what patients who awake from long comas must feel....the disorientation, the strangeness of time lost and the simultaneous feeling of time standing still. the newness of a different world than what one's eyes last laid upon. echoes of a familiar life. perhaps the desire to disconnect and re-engage at the same time.

all speculation on my part, of course.

i returned to shanghai a week and a half ago after a one-month absence. still readjusting to the changes that have occurred in what i believed to be a short period of time...

meditating on the theme of restoration lately. working out the definition and reality of restoration, what it means to be truly restored in mind, body and spirit. to be living in wholeness even as we experience the brokenness of a fallen world daily.

i purchased a compilation of prayers from augustine's confessions over the summer and it's been a daily source of fodder for my mind and soul. his prayers are so heartfelt and articulate, straight to the substance without the fluff. i love it. here's one of my favorites:

be not vain, my soul,
and take care that the ear of your heart
be not deafened by the din of your vanity.
you too must listen to the selfsame Word who calls you back,
and there find a place of imperturbable quiet,
where love is never forsaken unless it chooses to forsake.
see, those things go their way that others may succeed them,
and that whole may exist comprised of all its parts,
though a lowly whole indeed.
"but I," says the Word of God,
"shall I depart to any place?"
fix your dwelling there, my soul,
lay up there for safe-keeping whatever you have thence received,
if only because you are weary of deceits.
entrust to Truth whatever of truth is in you, and you will lose nothing;
your rotten flesh will flower anew,
all your diseases will be healed,
all your labile elements will be restored and bound fast to you;
they will not drag you with them in their own collapse,
but will stand firm with you and abide,
binding you to the ever-stable, abiding God.

cups of coffee: 3

mood: quiet, quiet