there’s a popular adage in chinese that goes something like this when translated into english: “if the old doesn’t go, the new can’t come.” this saying especially resonated these past couple of weeks as 2011 eased into 2012. it wasn’t just celebrating the ringing in of a new year for me; it was also a time of deep reflection and realization that a long and significant chapter of my life had closed and i was fully in the midst of a new and exciting, though uncertain, phase of life.
my first semester of grad school finished in a flurry of paper-writing and presentations sustained by a never-ending stream of caffeine. my body and soul gave one of the biggest sighs of relief the day i turned in my last project and winter break officially kicked off. the turning of the year was accompanied by fantastic reunions all around. i flew down to north carolina during the last week of december for three glorious days with my best friends from college. the last time all four of us gathered together was seven years ago, at the wedding of one of the girls. she now has two sons – one five years old, the other just turned one. it was a blessed gift to see old friends and to slip into conversations and laughter as if we had never been separated. it was also amazing to see that though time, distance and different life experiences had shaped us, our worldviews had formed in similar ways and our dialogues were charged with the excitement and passion of shared convictions. we first met as college girls carrying a certain naïveté and expectations of what the world should be. i’m proud to say that we are now older, wiser, and though challenged by some of the things life has tossed at us, we still carry in our hearts plenty of joy and hope and not an ounce of cynicism. i’d also like to think we are more beautiful (definitely more fashionable) now in our early 30’s than we were in our 20’s! ;)
while in north carolina, i also had the opportunity to visit some dear friends who also recently moved back to the states from china. to sit in their living room, drink coffee and play with their kids felt like we were still in their living room in shanghai, as if no time and distance had passed.
i chose to spend my first new year’s in new york by getting out of new york and traveling instead to boston. i stayed with my friend hanneke and we hosted a fabulous dinner party at her apartment. it was a lovely evening of good food, wine and even a little cavorting under a disco ball. fresh from reminiscing with my college girlfriends in north carolina, being back in boston also stirred for me memories of my college days. it’s astounding to think i graduated from university over 11 years ago…
and now 2012 has set off with a gentle start. this past week, justin and lauren, with whom i worked closely in shanghai, came up to new york to see a musical on broadway and stayed overnight at my place. they had moved back to the states this past summer as well, and to catch up with them was absolute joy. we were able to process a lot of similar feelings and thoughts about leaving china and resettling back into america and embarking on new chapters.
i sense a quieter timbre in my approach to this new year. the past nine years, i jumped into the new year with much gusto, buzzing with activity and bursting with a million and one ideas for the months ahead. part of it was due to my work at the gallery and involvement with the arts community – there was always so much to do. but in this new place and in this new role as a graduate student, i find that my main focus is on school and apart from that, i haven’t found other causes or groups that i am committed to. there is also a sense of weariness, a desire and maybe even a need to experience a long respite. i left shanghai tottering on the verge of burnout, and there’s a part of me thankful not to be serving in any sort of leadership capacity currently. various leadership opportunities have been offered to me in the past couple of months, but i have politely declined, wanting to shrug off the mantle of responsibility awhile longer. it’s a strange tension: as much as i want to shy away from serving as a leader of any sort, i miss it as well. i miss being part of a project or cause that i am passionate about, i miss mobilizing people and working together with a team to make something happen. my life here, though packed, feels strangely hollow in a way. there is this great veneer of busyness but beneath it all, i am still craving for something more substantial to do.
attending school full-time and working part-time, however, leaves little room for many involvements. there is also the reality that i am still becoming acquainted with a new city and getting to know new circles of friends. it may be awhile before i connect with like-minded folks with shared vision to undertake a project together.
people here often ask me if i miss shanghai. it’s not an easy response. i don’t miss the masses, the pushing and shoving, the cultural nuances and expectations that i eventually learned but never appreciated. i don’t miss the traffic or the pollution. i don’t even miss china and everything that has to do with china. i do miss the food a lot. what i miss most is the amazing community i took for granted. i miss the expatriate friends who were adventurous enough to move to a foreign land to obey a calling or pursue a dream. i miss the creativity and tenacity shared by so many who flocked to that massive city to carve out a more meaningful life. i miss the spirit of entrepreneurship and ingenuity that pervaded shanghai. i miss the love, genuine concern, and encouragement as expressed by those in my circles of friends, chinese and non-chinese, who grew as close as family. i miss laboring with others under a shared vision to engage culture and participate in the transformation of a city.
but i guess if the old doesn’t go, the new can’t come, even if i don’t quite know what the new is yet.
cups of coffee: 1
mood: refreshed
