mother's day

Seven months ago, I found out I was pregnant. Six months ago, almost to the day, I found out I had a missed miscarriage.

It suddenly dawned on me today that if the pregnancy had endured, I would be celebrating my first Mother's Day and preparing for the arrival of a little one in one month's time.

That's a lot of stuff to be feeling. The pregnancy was not planned and I confess that my husband and I were both very surprised - shocked even - when that pregnancy test quickly flashed positive. The next few weeks were filled with a lot of conversations, tears, and prayers as we wrestled with news that was both jarring and wonderful. We had finally turned the corner emotionally and accepted - even embraced - the fact that we were going to be parents sooner than we would have liked when my gynecologist could not locate a heartbeat at my check-up. The emotional rollercoaster took yet another turn.

I must confess that in many ways, I am relieved I'm not having a baby right now. I hope that doesn't sound terrible - it's just honest. I do find myself wondering what our child would have looked like. When I see a little boy with caramel skin and curly hair and almond-shaped eyes, I wonder if that's how our son (my husband was already solidly convinced it was going to be a boy) would have turned out. I wouldn't pinpoint any of my residual feelings to grief, anger, or bitterness. If anything, it's closer to curiosity.

four years

It's been four years since I updated this blog - actually, four years, 2 months and 27 days. I almost forgot this blog still exists. So much life has happened in these past four plus years.... I graduated with a master's degree. I have my own place in NYC. I got married. I entered my 40's. I have made this city a home.

So why am I picking this up again? Life is moving much faster than I would like, and there's something about writing and processing on paper that helps me to pump the brakes a bit. Pause, reflect, listen. Sit with my emotions and let them just be, allowing myself to feel every curve and edge.

Perhaps it's also that today, l feel a range of emotions more acutely. Celebrating and remembering the resurrection of Christ on this Easter Sunday. Mourning and deeply hurting with the hundreds of innocent lives destroyed by vicious bomb attacks in Sri Lanka. Grieving and aching with friends as another friend departs our world via the ruthless vehicle of cancer.

Some days, it's hard to swallow the bittersweetness of it all. I am deliriously happy and grateful, my heart is full when I recount the ways I've been blessed in unexpected ways these past few years. But all this is so fleeting, we are surrounded by pain and death, and the violence of a world turned onto itself is more often than not unbearable.

I know the desire for control is futile, and it's ultimately not what I want. I'm not even sure if I want to know everything - omniscience seems more detrimental than not with my mortal limitations. Perhaps all I want is to faithfully make sense of it all - to take each step with more faith than fear, to honestly wrestle, to ask questions, to hold with open hands.

So, after a four-year hiatus, an attempt to pick up a discipline of reflection and writing again. Maybe with a little more wisdom, definitely with a lot more questions.

celebs - they're just like us

when i first moved to nyc, i was so excited about bumping into celebrities on the street. almost four years later, i'm trying to be more nonchalant when it happens - although running into certain celebs still make me giddy and send my texting fingers a-flutter.

it was in conversation with a friend the other day that i realized i've seen my fair share - and even forgotten! just for fun, we decided to list out the celebrities sightings i've had here - in no particular order (i've purposely left out "art world celebrities" - that's a list in and of itself for another time):

jake gyllenhaal, 14th st subway stop - literally ran into him. i was heading out of the turnstile, and he had just come in and was putting something in his wallet. we both looked up at the last second, made eye contact and stepped aside of each other.

matthew mcconaughey, someplace in tribeca? soho? - accompanied my friend who works in fashion media to a launch party for camila alves' new line at macy's when lo and behold, her hunky hubby showed up to support. matthew was close enough for me to pinch his bum. which i didn't.

kate mckinnon, times square - she stopped by a temporary storefront art installation i had project managed (my first project at times square!) and happened to be manning that day. i casually said hi and tried not to spazz out as i offered to answer any questions she had about the installation.

david schwimmer, chelsea - i was manning a booth at pulse art fair with my colleague when "ross" showed up. we chatted with him about our artworks and totally played it cool. turns out his wife is a british photographer who was being featured at the art fair.

williem dafoe, union square - opening night for "moonrise kingdom." packed movie theater. williem was trying to get my friend to move a seat over to make room for him and his companion. we turned him down - that seat was for my friend's wife so we had to say no to williem.

bobby moynihan, upright citizens brigade, chelsea - a friend and i saw him perform as part of "asssscat3000", by far the best improv show series at upright citizens brigade. afterwards, we saw him on the corner smoking a cigarette and complimented him on the show, nonchalantly.

seth meyers, rockefeller center - stepped out of the subway train and found myself walking behind mr. meyers up the stairs and then next to him down the corridor at rockefeller concourse. he was texting on his phone and didn't look up, so we just walked side-by-side in silence.

judah friedlander, rockefeller center - "30 rock" often shot on-site at rockefeller center and i saw judah with his signature baseball cap one night after work.

taye diggs, subway (somewhere between lower manhattan and times square) - this guy got on the train and sat down directly across from me in a fairly empty car. i remember thinking, "that's one attractive man," and then realized he looked a lot like taye diggs. he had shorts and a muscle shirt on so i mentally took note of his unique tattoos to double check later. he kept to himself - kept fiddling with his watch and his bag, and as more folks got on the subway, he pulled his hat down so his brim covered his face.

tyson beckford, times square - "People" magazine held an activation event for "sexiest man alive" in times square and even though adam levine was the one on the cover, tyson was the lovely gentleman at the activation event promoting the magazine and taking photos with fans.

ryan seacrest x 2, times square - new year's eve 2014: walked by ryan seacrest doing his thing on camera while i was working NYE. new year's eve 2015: working NYE again and walked by ryan AND got pushed to the side by him and his entourage as they hurried by.

ricky gervais, rockefeller center - coming back from lunch, walked by him as he was standing on a corner chatting with a friend. saw on his twitter later that he was in the neighborhood shopping for a new guitar.

lenny kravitz, double decker bus in chinatown - having just finished lunch with friends in town, said good bye, turned the corner and there was lenny singing and gyrating on the roof of a double decker bus stopped at a red light. as you will.

taylor swift, times square - working NYE and asked to stop and wait at a barricade. why? oh, because taylor was on her way to the stage and was rushed by me with her entourage.

yo-yo ma, boston :) - this was not in nyc but by far my favorite sighting. two wonderfully talented musician friends got hitched last year in boston, and the husband plays in the silk road ensemble with mr. ma. not only did yo-yo perform at their wedding, but he played a special song penned by the husband for the occasion. as a bridesmaid, it was the one and only time that i will ever share a stage with yo-yo.


cups of coffee: 2

mood:  relaxing

winter solstice

on this longest night of the year...a little reminder....


Prayer at Winter Solstice
- Dana Gioia

Blessed is the road that keeps us homeless.
Blessed is the mountain that blocks our way.

Blessed are hunger and thirst, loneliness and all forms of desire.
Blessed is the labor that exhausts us without end.

Blessed are the night and the darkness that blinds us.
Blessed is the cold that teaches us to feel.

Blessed are the cat, the child, the cricket, and the crow.
Blessed is the hawk devouring the hare.

Blessed are the saint and the sinner who redeem each other.
Blessed are the dead, calm in their perfection.

Blessed is the pain that humbles us.
Blessed is the distance that bars our joy.

Blessed is this shortest day that makes us long for light.
Blessed is the love that in losing we discover.


mood:  pensive

cups of coffee:  3

no such matter

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing,

And like enough thou knowst thy estimate.

The Charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;

My bonds in thee are all determinate.

For how do I hold thee but by thy granting,

And for that riches where is my deserving?

The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,

And so my patent back again is swerving.

Thy self thou gav’st, thy own worth then not knowing,

Or me, to whom thou gav’st is, else mistaking,

So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,

Comes home again, on better judgement making.

   Thus have I had thee as a dream doth flatter:

   In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.

- Sonnet 87, William Shakespeare

cups of coffee: a lot

mood:  ...........

wisdom for the ages

just celebrated 36 years on this planet. THIRTY. SIX. YEARS.

and what wisdom have i gained from this span of time? the following basically sums it up:

1) Everything is a sh**show. You just have to decide which sh**show you can put up with.
2) People are idiots. Myself included.
3) There's nothing more satisfying than a drawer full of clean underwear.

that's it. that's all i got.

here's to more wisdom to come. 



cups of coffee: 2

mood: goodness gracious

consider the lilies

Consider the lilies of the field,
the blue banks of camas
opening into acres of sky along the road.
Would the longing to lie down
and be washed by that beauty
abate if you knew their usefulness,
how the natives ground their bulbs
for flour, how the settlers' hogs
uprooted them, grunting in gleeful
oblivion as the flowers fell?

And you - what of your rushed
and useful life? Imagine setting it all down -
papers, plans, appointments, everything -
leaving only a note: "Gone
to the fields to be lovely. Be back
when I'm through with blooming."

Even now, unneeded and uneaten,
the camas lilies gaze out above the grass
from their tender blue eyes.
Even in sleep your life will shine.
Make no mistake. Of course
your work will always matter.

Yet Solomon in all his glory
was not arrayed like one of these.

- Lynn Ungar, Camas Lilies


transitions. new chapters. moving on and growing up. all the while, considering the lilies.


cups of coffee: 1 hot, 1 iced

mood:  content