christmas mourning

28 dead, including the gunman. 20 of those killed - children between the ages of 5 and 10.
it's impossible to escape the images and stories permeating the media from the sandy hook elementary school shooting. beneath all the confusion, bewilderment, anger and deep sadness, there is the overwhelming "why?" - a helpless question with a resounding silence in response.

my own heart has been aching incessantly since the news broke, and with each new piece of information, my heart breaks a bit more. imagining the fear of these children, especially those that were shot at close range....this is not the world they should know. this is not the way things ought to be.

the juxtaposition of the holiday season makes all this seem even less tolerable....in this time of celebration and excited anticipation for feasting and gifts with family and friends, this atrocity is even more jarring. how can we even think about christmas at a time such as this?

but strip away the sentimentality with which we've come to adorn this holiday. take away the tinsel and the christmas cheer, tear down the lights and put away the cookies. think instead on the historical event that launched the establishment of this holiday. ponder the incarnation, the claim that God himself, clothed in human flesh, entered this world as a baby.

recall the infanticide that accompanied the birth of Christ - the slaughter of innocents ordered by a troubled tyrant fearful of a prophecy. imagine the howls and wails that must have filled that night. recount the fleeing of mary, joseph and the babe, running for their lives in the cover of night as Jesus experienced his entrance into this world as a refugee. and then remember the life of the Son of Man himself: the scorn, rejection, betrayal, torture, and ultimately, a wrongful execution.

the heart of the incarnation is a desperate cry for help that was answered. we may not always have the answers we want when terrible things happen, but if the incarnation is indeed true, then God came down to dwell with us in the midst of our pain and suffering. He entered this world of brokenness and devastation, not to observe as a spectator, but to participate fully and to experience it himself, to the point of death. and then if the resurrection is true, He triumphed over the grave. He defeated the powers of fear and darkness and promised that someday, we will experience victory as well and all these experiences of sorrow and grief will be reversed. He made good not just possible but definite even in the face of evil.

the knowledge of this may not alleviate present pain and grief. there is still this need for mourning as we cry for the loss of innocent lives and weep for injustice. but these atrocities also point us straight to the tension of mankind's depravity and desperate desire for a better world. and if the incarnation is true, then victory is not just possible but promised. even as we labor against existing injustices and strive, sometimes successfully and sometimes not, to improve the conditions of this world for all its inhabitants, there is the promise of this world to come in which justice will reign and goodness will prevail.

and so our hearts long, even as they break with grief and boil with anger. we long......


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  grieving

pretty great

today, one of my classes toured the met museum to walk through a newly opened exhibition with the curator.
that was followed by another class tour of the east fourth street cultural district in east village and sit-down discussion with fourth arts block's executive director (my internship supervisor!)

o, grad school. even when things are crazy busy, you're pretty great.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  busy busy busy but happy

blessed

my dear friend grace posted this poem on her blog - a much needed read and reminder during this present time of madness for me. i love dana gioia's work; he has such a way of bringing profound truths to life with simple words and lucid imagery.


Prayer at Winter Solstice
by Dana Gioia

Blessed is the road that keeps us homeless.
Blessed is the mountain that blocks our way.

Blessed are hunger and thirst, loneliness and all forms of desire.
Blessed is the labor that exhausts us without end.

Blessed are the night and the darkness that blinds us.
Blessed is the cold that teaches us to feel.

Blessed are the cat, the child, the cricket, and the crow.
Blessed is the hawk devouring the hare.

Blessed are the saint and the sinner who redeem each other.
Blessed are the dead calm in their perfection.

Blessed is the pain that humbles us.
Blessed is the distance that bars our joy.

Blessed is this shortest day that makes us long for light. 
Blessed is the love that in losing we discover.


cups of coffee:  1 so far

mood:  insane in the membrane
 

thankful

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food,
For love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
seems poetically appropriate in a way that i would lose blog posts from the last 7 months right before thanksgiving. in combing my memory to recount the events of the last half year, i have been astounded by the amount of blessings and provisions. there is so much to be truly grateful for.

since a picture is worth a thousand words, in the place of replacement posts, here is a photo gallery of just some of those things from the last 7 months for which i'm thankful. 

 

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  my cup overfloweth

BLERG

in an attempt to delete drafts of old posts, i accidentally deleted the last 7 months of blog posts.

BLERG.

another reminder that technology sometimes fails us. and how temporal this world is. and how i need more sleep.

i don't enjoy learning this lesson.


cups of coffee:  apparently not enough

mood:  *&$^#!

perspective

i am tired. my brain is fried, my body is both jittery from caffeine and completely wiped from lack of sleep. i am living, breathing and even dreaming of the overwhelming amount of work that stands between me and relative freedom this summer. two more weeks. and i am grouchy.

but then.

i remember the wonderful privilege i have to live in what is inarguably the greatest city in the world. i remember that it is a gift to have the physical, mental and financial capacities to attend graduate school. i remember the amazing group of friends i have here, all that i'm learning - both good and hard, and the ways the Lord has provided again and again, beyond abundance. i count all my blessings and then some. and i am truly, truly thankful.


cups of coffee: a bazillion

mood:  persevere, persevere.....

l'amour

meditating on some great quotes by c.s. lewis on love:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves 

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her" - C.S. Lewis 

and listen to this magnificent piece of music: "oblivion" by astor piazzolla.

sheer eargasm.

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  sunny days!