fu za

the chinese word for complicated is fu za. i love the way it sounds and what it implies, how it captures what i mean so much more than english. the way the 'z' rolls off the tongue, this image of knots and frays and tangledness, the way the words spit out as if in a breath of exasperation...fu za! indeed.

life seems fu za lately. perhaps life is always fu za, complications quietly bubbling beneath a surface of seeming serenity, occasionally erupting and disrupting the calm. perhaps it's when those eruptions are big that we feel the rippling effects more so than other times. i don't know.

i've been saying, "i don't know" a lot lately. almost as if the older i get, the less i know. life and faith seemed so much simpler as a child. love was free, open and generous. when i got hurt, i cried. when i got angry, i threw a tantrum. friendships were clear, and i could make new friends, fight and makeup all within the span of an hour or two on the playground. when i slept at night, i fell asleep in comfort and security, with few fears and worries.

i imagine life and faith will be simpler when i am old and a breath away from heaven. it's this space in between that's complicated.

been thinking a lot lately about how to love people, really love people. what does it mean to be a true friend, without letting my selfish motives and preferences get in the way? what does it mean to do the right thing when i know what it is but refuse to do so anyway? what does it mean to try and make the right decisions about my life when everything seems so gray and a million possibilities seem to converge? i don't know.

i'm not sure how life works anymore. and i never know how God works even though i know He does.


cups of coffee: 1, so far....

mood: thinking, thinking, thinking too much