one wild and precious life

this is my fifth or sixth trip to beijing and i have to admit, it's the first time that i actually really like beijing and could picture myself living here. i think it's been a combination of the amazing weather, the things we've been doing, and the people we are meeting. plus things seem to feel different post-olympics---or perhaps it's just in my head?

i have been absolutely blown away by the people i've been meeting with this week. there is the young french couple who felt a burden to help the blind orphans in china and ended up opening a foster home/training center (with a vision to open other similar centers all over asia). then there is the young american woman who started out befriending street children, taking care of them in her home, opening a school that transitioned into a home for the children and a restaurant business that employs and trains the older kids. and then there is the young asian-american woman who left a promising career in law to start an organization aimed at enriching the education and character development of migrant children through arts and sports.

it is not their resumes or wealth of knowledge that impress; in fact, all embarked on their ventures with much trepidation and little prior experience or expertise. it was seeing the need that prompted their action, and it is their faith that fuels a vision bigger than themselves and even their projects.

in listening to their stories, i couldn't help but feel a zeal and zest to do much more with my life. i'm thankful for what i've been involved in thus far, the doors of opportunities that have opened for me to serve and give. but one always feels like there is so much more that can be done....

i read this poem a couple of years ago and absolutely love the last line. my 'one wild and precious life'....may not a breath be wasted.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

cups of coffee: 1

mood: inspired

a bit of confession, a bit of a rant

we women are a controlling bunch. there, i said it.

it's something i've always known about myself (as much as i'd like to deny, justify, hide it) and something i've come to notice more and more in others of my kind.

in coordinating a few different events lately, i've noticed how often other women will double-check, triple-check, quadruple-check on different details by asking multiple questions or sending me emails to "kindly" remind me of various obvious things.

now here's the tricky part. it's one thing to be conscientious, especially in terms of your job or given responsibilities. it's one thing to be detail-oriented, thorough, meticulous to the point of mad when you want to accomplish an assigned task at hand that affects other people. but it's another thing to be overly attentive with details that do not concern you, with someone else's task, with telling another person how to do their job. ok, there i go with the ranting.....

why do we do this??? i know it's something that drives men crazy. i can just picture adam in the garden, rolling his eyes and succumbing to eating the fruit just to quiet eve's insistence.

i know why i do it: lack of trust. not trusting other people or even the Almighty to do their job...correctly. somehow in my pathetic arrogance, believing that i am more capable of getting the job done than others. yech.

the older i get, the more i think life is more enjoyable when you live in a constant state of surrender. letting things slide off your back and walking around with two hands wide open.

maybe i need to grease up my back.


cups of coffee: 1

mood: playful

sunny days...

three women in zhongshan park

three little old chinese women

lolling about in the branches of two low trees

languid and laughing, backs stretched

over slightly arching limbs

hammock-style, squinting up into the blue canopy sky.

one catches my eye

and smiles a toothless grin

while she sways side-to-side

scratching her back

like some docile bear.

cups of coffee: 2

mood: yay! spring is here

what inspires

along this present theme of inspiration, g asked a good question at our last community arts group gathering: "who and what inspire you in your work?"

hmmmmm. off the top of my head:

1) melancholy folksy type music tinged with hope and strewn with thoughtful lyrics. namely, groups like the weepies. i also discovered david mead recently and absolutely love him. there's something comforting about his music.... my favorite song of his is "little boats."

2) john donne. i discovered him in high school and have been in love with his poetry ever since. his holy sonnets are absolutely beautiful. my favorite is "batter my heart, three-person'd God":

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

man. i want to write and speak and pray like that.

3) speaking of dead guys i'm into, saint augstine! if i could have a dead saint boyfriend (ok, i know that's weird on many levels), it would be augustine hands-down! i read from a collection of prayers from his 'confessions' daily and each reading is like a new breath that infuses passion into my own prayer life. wow.

i'm pretty sure if augustine were alive today, we'd be friends. :)

4) old people, in general. i love, love, love seeing an elderly couple shuffling down the street holding hands. gets me every time. something so poignant, enduring yet fragile about the image. a whole lifetime of joys and sorrows, victories and regrets, wisdom and experience framed in those two frail bodies. i love looking into their faces as well, peering through the lines and creases to catch the light in their eyes.

5) the cello. if i could have a do-over, i would have learned cello instead of violin. the sound is so rich and full, i actually feel my ribs and heart expanding when i hear a cello being played. and especially when the instrument is in the hands of a virtuoso such as yo-yo ma--man, that's heaven. i suppose i love the cello because the range and sound is so close to a human's voice. and the music that comes out of a cello articulates for me what i find inadequate with words.

so.
what inspires you?

cups of coffee: 1

mood: warm and cozy

inspired

just returned a few days ago from a(nother) whirlwind trip to the states. this time, the main purpose was to attend the IAM encounter, but of course squeezed in as many meals and late nights with friends as possible. :)

swung by boston first and then a stay in nyc that was extended by a snowstorm (i did not complain).

a few memorable moments from the trip....

reunion of china friends in boston


catching up with mindy and carrie


massive reunion of china friends in nyc

we love red mango!!!

i've been feeling inspired lately--i suppose a combination of attending the IAM encounter, reading more poetry, and being held accountable by our community arts group to be creative and creating. the inspiration has found an outlet mainly in poetry, and writing and reading more poetry has been both relaxing and nourishing. it's also enabling me to process more and to give shape and some clarity to the jumble of feelings and thoughts often bumbling around inside me.

here's a poem i wrote today about an incident that happened this morning:


Street Scene - Shanghai

On my way to the bus stop this morning,
I saw a woman attack a man with a stool.
She hurled the wooden block with such fierce fury,
so much rage for a middle-aged Chinese lady.

He was a young man,
sitting in a newspaper kiosk,
shielded behind a wall of magazines,
pearly smiles that could not
protect him from a fearsome blow.

What had he done to ignite her anger?
Did he insult her, offend her, ignore her,
cause some kind of irreparable hurt
that would result in her picking up that lonely stool--
three slabs of wood hewn with little regard--
and catapult it towards his head
with unforgiving accuracy?

And what of the curses that rained from her curled lips,
the stool landing with a THUD on the pavement,
the crowds watching, silent, motionless,
and the young man,
who woke up this morning
and all he wanted to do
was sell newspapers
and go home.


cups of coffee: 3

mood: excited!

boots and more

i am very particular about shoes--a shoe snob, one might say. it's not that i look for designer labels or impressive price tags. i prefer simple styles and comfort above all else. i'm more of a chunky heel than stiletto kind of girl.

in china, shoe shopping can be quite a feat. they're often surprisingly more expensive--go figure, most of them are made in the next town over--and simple style seems to be evade the designers. the otherwise-perfect pair of shoes is usually gratuitously enhanced with some velvet butterfly or sparkly bow. neither of which i am a fan of.

for several months, i had been looking for the perfect pair of knee-high boots. after scouring department store after department store, and even random shoe shops tucked along small lanes, i hadn't found one that embodied the perfect marriage of price and preference. about a month ago, i found one that was as close as i could get. the price was definitely what i was looking for, and the style almost hit the mark. i stood in the shop for probably ten minutes just staring, not even trying on, but just staring at this pair of boots, imagining my life with it. i couldn't commit.

so i left the store, vowing to return in a few days to just seal the deal.

a week later, on a whim, i stopped by a department store that had nothing but shoes. i had purchased other shoes there before that i'd been quite happy with. as i poked around, i spotted a pair of knee-high, brown suede, chunky heel, simple yet versatile pair of boots. and i just knew. the price was right, the look was right, i tried them on and purchased the boots in a matter of five minutes. no hesitation.

why the rambling about some shopping fixation of mine? well, i suppose life is often like shopping for boots. we have a vague idea of what we want, we weigh the options, we do the research, and we find ourselves hemming and hawing over seemingly defining decisions in our lives (much more formative than buying shoes). sometimes, even with all the right information, we just aren't sure. then the doubts start to sneak in....how do i know this is the right thing to do? what's the Lord's will for me? am i making a big mistake? i just don't know.... and so forth.

the thing is, i think we do know when we know. whether it's relationships or career moves or relocation or other big (and sometimes not-so-big) decisions, there's a lot to be said for intuition and the feeling of peace that surpasses all understanding. yes, it is good and right to do the research, get the facts, ask for the advice of others, but when it comes down to it, we decide based not on some rational formula. there has got to be something else, some kind of confirmation that settles both our minds and hearts. when the timing is right and the thing at hand is right, i think we really just know.

there's a quote i heard lately that i really like, but i recall just part of it:"...Wisdom's songs that the soul has sought." and really, that's what we seek, isn't it? not to download knowledge but to sing and dwell deeply in wisdom.

all that from buying a pair of boots......


cups of coffee: 1

mood: sunny days!

roadtrip

having finished donald miller's through painted deserts this morning and finally watching 'the motorcycle diaries' tonight, i find myself engrossed with the thought of taking a roadtrip-across-the-country-with-a-buddy-while-witnessing-beauty-and-finding-myself. and harboring, i confess, a big ol' crush on gael garcia bernal, the mexican actor who plays che guevara in the film. :)

roadtrips are so bohemian and romantic: shrugging off convention in exchange for beat-up vehicles and an old knapsack, living off prayer and the kindness of strangers, sleeping under endless skies and measuring time by clocking miles (or kilometers) on the road....i think i'm missing out on something with this "normal" life of mine.

my wanderlust is starting to itch. having lived in shanghai for 6+ years now, i've actually seen very little of china. most of my travel is work-related, and my international travel the past couple of years have been between points of familiarity.

sometimes it's not the actual sights and change of scenery i crave; it's the whole process of travel, the idea of being on a journey. the reminder that all of life is this wonderful, mysterious, strangely beautiful pilgrimage.


cups of coffee: 2

mood: dreaming of trains and planes and open roads