adjustments

resettling into your home culture after having been away for a lengthy period of time is akin, i imagine, to waking up from a coma. everything is, to borrow a popular phrase from thailand, "same same but different." it's not just your environment that's changed - you've changed as well.

in many ways, my first week back to the states feels no different than any other visit home i've made in the past 9 years: i sleep a lot, eat a lot, and generally soak up sun, sales and super-fast internet speed. i think the reality of having moved back to the states for good (for now) won't hit me until a few more weeks, when i would normally be packing up my suitcases again and squeezing in as much time as possible with family and friends. time on american soil, which once felt precious to spare, now feels abundant.

i admit my re-entry so far has been a soft landing. apart from helping my parents pack and prepare to move house, the days have been mostly languid and lazy: lots of naps, home cooked meals, scenes of green hills and blue sky (and the occasional deer or groundhog) from our yard, and sessions of wii fit.

culture shock, however, hasn't been completely absent, particularly in small-town america. a few observations:

- i've been watching some TV - not much, just a little. it's terrible. i can't tell if media is dumbing things down for us or if the american public is getting too dumb to accept anything more intelligent. okay, that might be harsh. but the combination of reality shows featuring people that you'd probably punch in the face if you were to actually meet, lack of shame in baring all your problems and your family's problems for your countrymen to dissect, and ridiculous competitions in which everyone wants to prove they have talent when actually most of them do not.....it almost makes me want to sell our television set.

- there is such a culture of fear. from the news reporting ominous tales of terrorists and disease-ridden foods to commercials that scare you into buying medication, insurance and all sorts of other products that claim to protect, i find myself hyperventilating whenever the TV is on. again, makes me want to just chuck the whole thing out the window.
note: maybe china was like that as well, but i never watched TV in china. i opted to get my news from online western sources, and since i was able to pick and choose the articles i wanted to read, perhaps i didn't feel the bombardment of watching the evening news and having so much tragedy and terror hurled at me.

- everything is so convenient. everything is just a quick drive away, and whatever you want to buy is packaged, processed and neatly prepared so you need only to do minimal work. easy peasy.
on a related note, the amount of junk food cramming the aisles of supermarkets is appalling. i was nearly blinded by the manic packaging colors and the even more manic colors of the foods themselves. (this was also over july fourth weekend, so maybe it was kicked up a notch for the holiday.....)

- everyone is so friendly. gratuitously friendly. and maybe it's small-town america, but freely dispensing too much unnecessary information.

- everyone has an opinion, and dammit, we're entitled to give it. and we're entitled to our rights, and no one is going to tell us differently. case in point: my flight from newark to albany was inexplicably delayed for 2 hours (the flight itself only took less than 45 minutes). the counter agent was not the most informative, but perhaps he wasn't being given that much information either. he was a slightly abrasive middle-aged italian-american man, and he didn't handle the irritated passengers' queries with the smoothest of manners. people did not like that - and they let him know. there was a lot of mouthing back, someone even 'booed', and the woman seated next to me was on her phone instantly, calling continental's customer service and reporting his less-than-satisfactory behavior.

another example - while working out at the gym today, i watched president obama conduct a townhall via twitter. observing our nation's leader having to answer to the people - i've missed that dearly during my time abroad.

- the proverbial belt has definitely been cinched. whereas everything in china is currently geared towards "spend! spend! spend!", there is a noticeable conscious coupon-cutting and penny-pinching culture happening here.

perhaps i've grown more critical over the years as well. things that i accepted as normal almost a decade ago i may now question, viewed through the lens of an outsider.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  sleepy. naps do not help jetlag.

home

back in the U.S. of A! just in time for independence day.

the last couple of weeks in shanghai were a blur - packing, shipping boxes, repacking, purging, more packing, more purging. squeezed in there as well were social events galore - trying to see as many friends as possible. i think i slept an average of 4 hours per night.

now that i'm home, the last month seems a fuzzy dream. shanghai itself sometimes seems a fuzzy dream. i slept for most of today and will be spending the next couple of weeks helping my parents pack and move to their new house. and then moving myself to nyc.

two images from my last day in shanghai:

 good-bye

 packed and ready to go

and my first image of america!

it's good to be back!

mood:  sleepy, still

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

Counting down...

One more week left in Shanghai!
This past week at a glance, seen through images courtesy of Instagram.


cups of coffee: 2? 3?

mood:  holy crap. i have a lot to do.

last day

yesterday was my last day at the gallery. so strange to turn in my keys, clean out my desk, and walk out those heavy wooden doors for the last time (as a gallery employee at least).

i started out this job almost 5 years ago with practically non-existent management experience and bottom-of-the-barrel art knowledge. i was timid, uncertain, naive and intimidated. the gallery was just starting out - a little place with big dreams. now, 5 years later, we've established a solid presence in shanghai, known for the high caliber of our exhibitions and events as well as the sincerity of our hospitality. i couldn't be prouder to have been part of this amazing venture.

in the past several weeks, many folks have expressed to me their appreciation for my part in building twocities and how i've helped to grow it. to be honest, this job and this place have perhaps grown me more than i've grown it.

though fear and uncertainty will still strike me every now and then, this job has increased my confidence and capacity in ways i hadn't imagined. i hope i'm not speaking out of arrogance - it's more of a sense of pride in doing good work, in knowing failure is inevitable but resilience is possible, and in knowing that if what you are doing is true and meaningful, people will sit up and take notice.

i've learned to develop a thicker skin, to let things slide and pick my battles. i've learned to manage people (not my favorite thing to do) and in managing, aim to truly care for those under my wing. i've learned to be firm and saccharine at the same time - sometimes the only way to get things done around here, especially as a woman. i've learned to read the many shades of nuance in chinese culture and to read people more proficiently. i've learned to not fear failure.

and there is, of course, all the nitty-gritty of the art business that i've learned along the way. but that's a whole other blog post in itself.

most of all, i've learned more about who i am and how the Lord has created me. i've been made more aware of my strengths and weaknesses and in doing so, have gained a fuller understanding of how He's designed me. i've discovered the things i'm passionate about, the places where my skills and God's heart intersect. i've realized what makes me come alive. i've learned what it means to listen to and follow your calling.

thank you, twocities. it's been an often challenging, frequently frustrating but truly remarkable journey.

cups of coffee:  1 1/2

mood:  bittersweet

o, the things i will miss

i should be packing and cleaning my apartment. but it's raining and i'm lazy. so, here are lists i've been compiling mentally and finally getting down in the blogosphere...

what i will NOT miss about shanghai:

- the awful air quality! pollution, pollution, pollution.
- "yellow plum season." aka "rainy season" aka "moldy time."
- pushing. shoving. spitting. cutting in lines. in other words - the masses practicing self-centeredness and total oblivion.
- terrible, terrible drivers. every man and woman for his/her self on the roads.
- strange identity of being an asian-american here - not fully american, not fully chinese. very tired of being the designated go-to person for servers whenever i'm out with non-chinese friends (even if these "waiguoren"/foreigner friends speak chinese fluently). definitely tired of having to explain why i'm american with a chinese face. immigration, people. c'mon!
 
what i will miss about shanghai:

- an amazing community of friends with vision, passion and authenticity. i have really, really been blessed.
- the folks in my neighborhood: the kind but gruff shanghainese men who work as the guards at my building, the sweet couple who run a vegetable stand at the local wet market, the two hilarious sisters who run a fruit stand with their family, my slightly forgetful and chatty cleaning lady ("ayi")....
- food. oh my goodness, the food.
- street food. i know this is really a subcategory of food but it deserves its own bullet point. really.
- chinese new year and fireworks!!!!
- motorcycle taxis!
- split pants. 9 years later, they still crack me up. (no pun intended)

i truly am going to miss this city. the labyrinth of streets winding through towers of metal and glass. noises that never cease from early morning until late, late night - squeaking of bike brakes, blare of car horns, loud bass booming from speakers balanced precariously on the back of motorcycles, sharp chatter of shanghainese (punctuated by the occasional yell and crescendo of argument).

i am going to miss the glitz and the glam, the swagger, the fantasy being lived in sharp contrast to heartbreaking realities. i am going to miss living in the obvious tension of this city - hopeful for all the potential that is good, learning to hold on to hope in the midst of all that is frustrating and unjust.
  
the past 9 years have gone beyond my meager expectations.... thanks, shanghai.

cups of coffee: 2

mood: sleepy

classifieds

in preparation for my move back across the pacific, i thankfully only have a few items to sell. my brother and sister-in-law are moving into my apartment, and they kindly decided to buy all my furniture and most of my appliances from me. which means i only have a handful of big things that need to be sold, namely a printer and a mini-trampoline.

while placing my items for sale on a popular classifieds site here, i couldn't help but read through the personal ads - this website has some of the funniest, most outlandish, but sadly real personals. here are a few that caught my eye:


It's raining and i am bored.
I like playing cards, you?
seek a tall and fun person.

(what exactly is the correlation between raining, playing cards and height...?)


I am a nice guy. I am bored and alone in Shanghai. I am normal.
Yet, I am lonely in Shanghai and would like to have an "exciting" conversation with someone.
If you are bored, and want some excitement, please feel free to give me a call AnyTime.We can have an "erotic" conversation if you like, or we can talk about the weather.

("erotic" or the weather. huh. "what are you wearing?" "boy, i wish it would stop raining already.")

I like to find a great girl/women who like to leave China together with me when I go back to Europe.

(hmmm.....i like europe....)

as funny as these ads are to read, they were penned by real people, individuals lonely and starving for love and connection in this massive city. i shouldn't forget that.

the hard thing about leaving a place isn't the packing. it isn't the purging of stuff and figuring out what to do with years of belongings amassed. it's the relationships, the people and community i've come to love and cherish. there aren't enough hours in a day to spend with these people i love, not enough words adequate to express my sincere appreciation for who they are, and all the hopes and blessings i am praying for them. all my articulations and gestures seem to fall short of what i really mean and what i wish i could put words to.

so i smile and hug, use words like "love", and hope that somehow, these dear friends feel the intangible deep from my heart.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  fare thee well.....

waiting. *smile*

i spent a couple of hours this afternoon playing with c, the recently adopted daughter of some friends, so her parents could clean and pack for an impending move. with rain coming down all day, we opted to go to an indoor playarea, where c's mom had signed up for a pass (smart move).

i was hoping to squeeze in a workout before watching c, but then i remembered that i would be spending the afternoon chasing after a high-energy toddler. i opted to skip the workout (smart move).

c is this adorable and amazing three year-old girl. up until about six months ago, she had spent most of her life in an orphanage. she was one in a sea of children, given minimal care and little affection. when my friends first brought her back home, she was a wild child - throwing things, kicking, grabbing... an unpredictable, albeit a very cute tornado.

the transformation she has gone through in even just a few short months has been remarkable. she's a quick learner, grasping vocabulary in english rapidly. though she is still high-energy, she's actually quite an obedient and thoughtful child. but wow, does she have energy!

at one point this afternoon, c really wanted to sit in this little swing - the only swing in the whole play area. a little chinese girl was swinging with her grandma, and when c approached and tried to commandeer the swing, the grandma barked at c in shanghainese to wait. i explained to the grandma that c doesn't understand shanghainese. i then turned to c. "we have to wait," i said. "wait."

c broke into a wide grin. "wait!" she said exuberantly and then clasped her hands and stood there, happy to wait.

and wait she did, for a couple of minutes, until the little girl got tired of swinging and c merrily claimed the swing for her own.

i have never been that happy to wait - for a swing, for most things in my life. after we returned to c's home and i recounted the experience to her parents, they told me that when they've told c to wait, they've granted her the very things she was waiting for. "wait" never meant "no," and c has learned that. for her, to wait is not a negative thing; it's a delightful anticipation of what she knows is coming.

if only i waited with such certainty and joy at what my Heavenly Father promises me and asks me to wait for. if c's parents are so good at caring for her, who am i to doubt how my God cares for me?


mood: pensive

cups of coffee: 2