one-way

it's official!
just purchased a one-way ticket from shanghai back to america, departing on june 30.

let the countdown begin.....

cups of coffee:  1 with soymilk

mood:  whoa

springtime in beijing

three days, two nights...one last trip to beijing before i leave china.
overnight trains, peking duck, crowded subways, summer palace, skewer of fried scorpions, speakeasy bar, meeting up with friends old and new.
delightful.

 our lovely courtyard hostel

 beautiful day - outside forbidden city

 forbidden city

 lovely old door in a hutong neighborhood

 first bite!

 eating our way through the famous wangfujing night market

fabulous spring afternoon at the summer palace

beijing - i admit you've won me over. but i'll always be a shanghai girl at heart.

cups of coffee: 2 + 2 green tea

mood:  going strong

and now for something completely random

if i could be any literary character, hands down, it would be anne shirley of "anne of green gables." i had a conversation the other day with a male friend who described her as a perfect role model for young women. i completely agree with him. she is intelligent, passionate, determined, yet also incredibly caring, sacrificial and tender. i strive to embody those characteristics as well but find myself identifying with her fiery temper more often than not...

as for literary heroes, my crush is atticus finch from "to kill a mockingbird" (one of my favorite books of all times) - especially the portrayal played by gregory peck in the 1962 film version. *sigh*

cups of coffee:  2+

mood: sleepy

all so beautiful

this past weekend was one for the books. one might even call it 'epic'. it started with hanneke's celtic fusion fiddle concert to a crowd of 200+ on friday evening, rolling into a rowdy karaoke night until the wee hours, complete with interpretive dancing and live violin accompaniment on coldplay's "viva la vida." saturday started leisurely and then continued at a lazy pace all afternoon at a bathhouse. saturday night was catching up with the bro and sis-in-law while watching 'community' and 'the office' and feasting on mediterranean takeout. after church on sunday, i gorged on red wine and meat at a friend's brazilian bbq house party, then jumped, swung and twirled my way through a repertoire of scottish dances at another friend's birthday ceilidh. the weekend capped off with an amazing dinner at a xinjiang restaurant, washed down with black beer (a xinjiang specialty) and lots of laughter around a large table.

wow.

the whole weekend was such a gorgeous display of friends, family, food, love, music, dance, joy and all the delightful moments that compose a life well-lived. the joy was contagious: from feet stomping and hands clapping at hanneke's concert; to strangers-cum-friends bonding over heaping plates of black beans with rice and steak at the bbq; to my friend beaming as he celebrated his 38th year of life with an adoring wife, a new baby daughter, and buddies decked out in kilts and toasting him with whiskey....it was all so beautiful.

i felt this tender melancholy strain of unbearable beauty - all these wonderful moments that, as lovely as they were, had to end at some point. all these wonderful joys that point to this longing to experience them forever.

mourning with those who mourn, rejoicing with those who rejoice - we have such capacity for joy and sorrow, for beauty and brokenness. our hearts are too big for these mortal cages.

cups of coffee:  2

mood:  peaceful

grief

the sadness comes unexpectedly. it's a beautiful sunny day, the sky is clear azure, the breeze is just right....and then, BAM. you're reminded of how he's not here to enjoy this day. you're reminded how this is exactly the kind of weather he loved for riding his bike.

and then in the scurry of daily life - as you eat, as you work, as you sleep - you remember that someone is no longer here to do those very things. the activities i take for granted, sometimes even conduct begrudgingly - he is not here to do them.

grief is a terribly difficult process.


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  short-fused

sitting shiva

So much of what we live goes on inside–
The diaries of grief, the tongue-tied aches
Of unacknowledged love are no less real
For having passed unsaid. What we conceal
Is always more than what we dare confide.
Think of the letters that we write our dead.

- "Unsaid", Dana Gioia

grief and joy both require the participation of others. joy is made more full when shared, grief more bearable.

in jewish tradition, shiva is the week-long period of grief and mourning for the seven first-degree relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister and spouse. it's essential to the bereavement process, time set apart specifically to grieve.

beneath all the layers of law, i think shiva is a beautiful and rich practice. there is something right and true about mourning fully - we are acknowledging how the world is not supposed to be. death is not okay. losing loved ones is not okay. even as we cry in grief, we cry for the world that ought to be. we long not just for the loved one lost but for a paradise lost.

but we who believe in a God who redeems also weep for the world to come. we cry not out of despair but out of desperation. "o Lord," we cry, "come and make all things right."

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul 
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

- Psalm 13


cups of coffee:  2

mood:  grief

comfort

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.


When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.


Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!


- Before the Throne of God Above, hymn